Well, there's been a little
drama tonight. (enter sarcasm here)
I had my first chat with P (the man she's interested in) on this topic. He seems willing to say a lot to her but stonewalled me with 'IDK man' and 'this is her decision'. My respect for P has plummetted. Not sure if it will recover. He did nothing to try to dissuade her.
So... I couldn't be given any assurances during the chat that certain things (anything physical) wouldn't happen in a face to face.
I. Lost. It.
I bolted from the house in the rain and collapsed against a fence for a short while. I returned and laid my soul bare. I bawled like I've never bawled in my life!
As it turns out, I honestly don't think this is about her being poly at all. She's admitted and warned me about self-destructive trends in her life. (the affair she had with me ended her prior (horriffic!) relationship.
We're supposed to be married in 4 months, and this is looking like a severe case of cold feet.
Essentially, I compared myself and our life together that we have now in a sort-of 'schrodinger's cat' scenario.
I wrote on the piece of paper, the best possible outcome with P. An amazing life with more than a couple of severe repricussions. Splitting our kids up, who are like siblings, hurting me, moving away... and I didn't show her what I had written on it and said "This is the best possible thing that's in the box. You can choose to find out, but you might lose me in doing so."
A Said "Right but if I choose you, I lose what's in the box. I'll go with the box because I might still have a chance with you." (this is what hinted for me that this might be that self-destruction and commitment issues that she warned me about.)
I showed her the note:
'An amazing life with P, with severe consequences'
Then I held up a second note (it was blank) and said. "Ok, that's what the *best* possible outcome is. Now, is opening the box worth possibly worth losing me and our life, our future."
Suddenly she wasn't so sure and made a self-disparaging remark that reinforced my belief that this was self-destruction... and I called her on it.
We talked about it, the cold feet, the commitment issues she's had in the past... and this could be compartmentalized in her head. She admitted that it was a very good possibility.
She still feels the needs to work this out with P. In reality, I think P is a good guy. So we talked more and I got a non-ambiguous commitment from her to find out without letting anything physical happen. I told her that I could give her all the space she needs to figure this out with P, but honestly I think she's going to figure it out on her own. She does that
Her commitment to introspection rather than looking for an external cause makes me happy. Though, she did ask me what I'd do if she came to a conclusion and it wasn't the answer I wanted. I told her that I would fight and fight dirty. I'd tell her why I think she's wrong, give examples, call witnesses :P and make damned sure that she knows why I think we belong together from now until the end of time. We managed to talk though this, tears flowing and emotions raging.
She also admitted that this while thing might be a pre-emptive stike to prevent me
from hurting her
. I think that claiming to be poly might be another manifestation of a complex defense mechanism that she's created to protect from getting hurt. She doesn't want to commit to me because she's got this notion that being married 'traps' her. I could be wrong, the jury is still out.
It was a great conversation. I think I can make it through tomorrow without collapsing into a heap, at least. I might even eat something.
Also, I think it's time to fold another
thousand cranes as a 'thank you' for putting up with me.
So, yeah. Drama.