Originally Posted by SunsetMan
We've discussed this, actually. If I had woekn up sooner, and asked her to guard herself vs developing feelings for our friend, that she would have been able to.
One other little things stands out for me in your story, so far. Again, it has to do with being active versus being passive.
We develop feelings for people all the time and, as you've learned, they can come on suddenly and with surprising intensity.
I've made the point elsewhere, in other conversations, that feelings are not moral imperatives. Developing feelings for someone is something that happens to
us, from time to time. It's always a question of what we choose to do
about those feelings.
Whether you are mono or poly, sometimes it is just not a good idea to follow through on strong feelings for another person.
In general, the approach of partners telling one another about the feelings they each have for others is a good thing, whether you're mono or poly. In fact, it would be a rare and wonderful thing to be a mono couple that could be secure enough to talk about crushes, and to support one another through the difficulties they can pose.
You'd have to learn to be more secure in yourself, though, to recognize that your partner might see possibilities in other people she doesn't see in you . . . but that she's with you and loves you for what you are.
Even if you both decided to go poly, much the same would still apply. Since we've become poly, I've helped Vix through at least one serious crush she could not pursue, for complex, ethical reasons. She has helped me through one of those, as well, though the circumstances and the ethical restrictions were quite different.
[EDIT: One of the best, most liberating things about becoming poly is that we can
talk about such things openly, and support one another at need. Before, we each just suffered our crushes in silence, feeling frustrated, guilty, and resentful. There are other good things for us about being poly, though; otherwise, we would just be more communicatively mono.]
Thanks for your attentiveness!
I'm glad you took it in that spirit. I was starting to worry I may have been a little too provocative.
It's good that you're here, and good that you're thinking and talking about all these things with your partner. I hope we can be of use to you.