Originally Posted by SunsetMan
Thanks very much hyperskeptic, for not being harsh with me (or her).
I don't see a lot of point in being harsh, especially when you come honestly looking for advice.
Once in a while, one or another person on this site may be stern
, though. Maybe even uncomfortably blunt.
It can be good therapy, to be confronted by uncomfortable bluntness.
As for she and I remaining monogamous if this opportunity passes her by? I think because of our openness with one another, and the fact that she is very antisocial, I'd see a second scenario like this coming many many miles distant.
Okay, so I may need to be a little
more stern, now.
1. Being open with one another is good, in general, as far as it goes, but . . .
2. Is being "antisocial" - and I assume you mean something like "unsociable" rather than "borderline sociopathic" - a desirable end-state? One reason my wife thought poly might be good for me is that I need
to develop my ability to connect with others in the context of open, healthy, relationships, including relationships with women. We both agree that relationships really should develop organically, without undue restrictions on them; so, I shouldn't hold back form getting to know people just because I might end up "falling for" one or another of them.
3. If you see it coming, what would you do? Put your partner on a shorter leash? Make loud noises to distract her? Giver her a stern talking-to about how she promised to be faithful only to you? I'm being a little facetious here but, really, what would you do?
4. And what of the fact that, in your own words, you have "zero intuition" about these things? Maybe you won't
see it coming . . . but that's a recipe for suspicion, surveillance . . . maybe keeping her on a short leash all the time, keeping her even from developing friendships or having conversations with other men . . .
So if this does pass us(her) by without anything coming of it, yes I have complete trust that it will not occur again. Not without a serious disintigration of our relationship as it is now and that disintigration would be a major warning sign in and of itself.
I seem drawn to enumeration, today, so here goes:
it passes by . . . so you'll just let it go and see what happens? Why be so passive? Either she will explore this other relationship, let it develop on its own terms, or she will cut it off out of deference to you. It's a choice; she has to be active. Either you will allow her to explore this other relationship, or you will insist on monogamy. Again, it's a choice; you have to be active. Both of you have to accept the consequences of the choices you each make.
2. Once the relationship has disintegrated, won't it be too late? Coming home to a smoldering ruin would, I suppose, be a good warning sign that the wiring in your house is faulty! Again, this makes one or both of you too passive in relation to what happens to your relationship.