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Old 06-10-2012, 02:00 PM
hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 451

Originally Posted by SunsetMan View Post
The odds of her falling again, for anyone, are about as good as ME falling for someone else. I Am completely ok with those odds
Um . . . what do you take those odds to be? I mean, you fell for her in the middle of your former marriage, yes? Seems it could happen at any time . . .

You may be held captive by an image of what monogamy means: the two of you will be so caught up in one another, so absorbed in your life together, that you will never even look at or think about anyone else, ever again.

Your own past experience suggests it's not like that, even if your relationship with your current partner is much more secure and happy than your former marriage.

If you choose to be monogamous, it will have to be a choice, one that is constantly, deliberately renewed, even in the face of crushes on and deep friendships with others. If she really is open to poly, and if you yourself have a history of having affairs, then it seems it will often be a difficult choice, and sometimes a painful one.

You and your current partner really need to work through this, with total, brutal honesty. Is monogamy really going to be your best course? Will either of you have to make unacceptable sacrifices to remain utterly faithful to one another? And what sort of outside relationships are possible or permissible on your understanding of monogamy?

The first part of your post could easily have been a description of me, so I recognize some of where you're coming from. I don't know if this will resonate with you, but it's long been the case that I generally get along better with women than with men.

When I was steadfastly monogamous, this was something of a problem. From the conventional point of view, a married man spending time even as a friend with a woman who is not his wife is already slightly scandalous. From my own point of view, the complicating factor of possibly being attracted to the women I like made it seem dangerous.

Since I was committed to monogamy, this meant I had to keep a safe distance from the very people with whom I was most likely to develop close friendships . . . and so I remained disconnected and alone, other than my relationship with my wife.

In hindsight, that was an unacceptable sacrifice. I was cutting off an entire aspect of my life, an entire direction of personal development.

Would your new partner have to lop off entire aspects of herself to be faithful to you? Would you want to insist on her doing so?

For that matter, would you be cutting of possibilities for yourself, possibilities for life and growth and happiness, possibilities that maybe ought not to be cut off?

The two of you may, in the end, choose monogamy. Just make sure you choose it each for your own sake, with a full understanding of what it entails.
the cake is a lie

Last edited by hyperskeptic; 06-10-2012 at 02:02 PM.
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