View Single Post
Old 06-10-2012, 01:35 PM
hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 451

Originally Posted by PolyMister View Post
Because nobody knows, I've been feeling it weighing down on me lately. This big, soul crushing secret that I'm afraid to tell anybody about.
It's worth considering why this is weighing you down so much. Is it just because it's a secret you don't want to hide from friends and others in your life? Or is it because you yourself are not convinced poly is the right way for you to go, and you want affirmation from others?

When I was a little younger than you, I "converted" from sort-of evangelical Christianity to "Objectivism" after reading Ayn Rand. I was determined not only that people should know of my conversion, but that they should all acknowledge that mine was the true path of wisdom.

Well, that didn't last. I made myself a miserable, lonely pain in the neck for a couple of years, then I got over it all, moved on from Rand and her hack philosophy, and started rebuilding some of the bridges I'd burned.

(If any Objectivists out there are offended, let's take it off list . . .)

The thing is, looking back, I think I was insecure in my conversion and, with all the fervor of a new convert, had to convert others in order to convince myself.

Seems to me LotusesandRoses hits it on the head:

Originally Posted by LotusesandRoses View Post
Why are you crying? She stated her opinion. You responded by preaching at her (poorly) and implying she was a brainwashed moron . . .

If your big source of pain in your life is not telling the world you're polyamorous, you're lucky. Tone down the drama, and apologize for your preaching and implications. You're the one who messed up here, based on the transcripts.
If you really just need your friend to know, then just tell her this is a path you're taking, something you're trying, something unconventional but possibly workable. Tell her this is something you are doing consciously and responsibly, and that you will accept all the consequences of your actions

Then, acknowledge that she disagrees with you, and just agree to disagree. We often have to do that, for the sake of friendship.

Another story that might give some perspective. Vix and I moved in together before we were married, which upset my parents terribly. I couldn't exactly keep it a secret from them, at least not for long.

When I told them, my mom cried, and demanded to know: "Where's the moral young man we raised??" I told her: "I'm right here! I have not made this choice lightly, and I take responsibility for my actions and their consequences."

They were not convinced - and they were a little too happy when Vix and I got engaged - but I neither gave ground nor insisted they affirm the basic rightness of my choice. My relationship with them was a little strained for a while, and there were some difficult compromises when Vix and I visited my folks a few months later, but I kept my relationship with my parents.

Now, as for secrets, I do have to keep our recent turn to poly from my parents. They would freak out, and maybe worse. We just visited them, a few weeks ago, and it was actually kind of fun to carry our secret with us. I would write long emails to my girlfriend under my parents' very noses . . .

How often does a middle-aged guy get to be rebellious like that?
the cake is a lie

Last edited by hyperskeptic; 06-10-2012 at 02:56 PM.
Reply With Quote