I'm still crying. I'm 21 years old, I haven't cried since I was 12. The person who I told everything to - all my secrets, all my problems - the person who I called my closest friend just told me that who I am is "wrong" because I came out to her about being polyamorous.
Nobody knows that me or my fiancee are polyamorous other than three of her closest friends who we'll call "J", "A", and, "T". (which I did not know "A" or "T" knew prior to the events of tonight. I knew that "J" did, because she has been the girl who was our top candidate for a Unicorn until she decided that she couldn't do it because of her parents being very devout Pentecostals.)
Because nobody knows, I've been feeling it weighing down on me lately. This big, soul crushing secret that I'm afraid to tell anybody about. I just had to get it off my chest somewhere, to someone. I chose my closest friend, we'll call her "S". I have told her secrets that nobody other than my fiancee knows. She has told me secrets that nobody other than me knows. So I thought she would be the best candidate to unload this burden on.
It didn't turn out as I had hoped it was going to. I was simply trying to get the pain of the secret off of my chest, and to not feel so different as I have been lately. To be accepted for who and what I am.
The following is the conversation that I had with "S". The beginning of it is missing, but it essentially is me telling her that I'm polyamorous, and that my fiancee was as well. Throughout the conversation she seems to forget that I did say my fiancee was aware that I was polyamorous, felt secure with it, and was polyamorous herself.
[9:41:23 PM] Chris: I just don't understand why people find it so hard to accept the polyamorous... We have friends that we love, and we love more than one. We have pets that we love, and we love more than one. We have children that we love and we love more than one, we have things that we love, and we love more than one. Why is it such a jump to believe that one person could love more than one person in a romantic way? Romance and love has only existed for 400 years. Before then there was no such thing. It was invented. Born from chivalry in the 17th century.
[9:43:03 PM] S: I'm sorry but I believe other wise.. I think love is real and if you truly love a person only 1 person should truly own your heart, and you both should love each other and the things you make. Sure we love lots of things, but when it comes to relationships I can't stand the whole sharing my heart and feelings with someone who's gonna fall in love with someone else.
[9:47:06 PM] Chris: Monogamy is a new invention in human history. Before the 17th century people took multiple wives, even catholic priests did. You know the story of king arthur? That was the FIRST notion of romantic love in the english language. And that was a story about Guenivere, who loved king arthur, and also fell in love with Lancelot.
[9:49:49 PM] Chris: When the knights caught Guenivere in bed with Lancelot, she was tried in court and burned to death and Lancelot ended his days living as a hermit in his castle.
[9:55:47 PM] S: I got no idea, what any of that is about.
[9:56:13 PM] Chris: It's the story that practically INVENTED love.
[9:56:35 PM] Chris: it's the story that literally said, being with more than one person is not allowed.
[9:56:56 PM] Chris: she was killed because she loved a man while she was married to the king.
[9:58:46 PM] S: O.. well I think if you don't love someone, you shouldn't be with them.
[9:58:49 PM] S: Simple as that.
[10:00:02 PM] Chris: The story never says she doesn't love the king.
[10:00:20 PM] Chris: the story says she fell in love with another man
[10:00:55 PM] Chris: there is no love loss, she loves them equally, that is why peoples views changed in the 17th century...
[10:01:56 PM] Chris: before then men could marry multiple women or marry one and cheat on her with others. But women couldn't do the same, they had to stay loyally connected to one person and one person only. There was no divorce back then either, the only way out was to die.
[10:02:28 PM] Chris: The story of Guenivere and Lancelot challenged that view point
[10:02:35 PM] S: I honestly think if you truly love someone, you will NOT NEED another person to love.
[10:02:59 PM] S: yes, exactly it's different back then.
[10:04:24 PM] S: This is now. if you love someone now, rather than being with someone who you love but can also fall in love with someone else save the hurt and leave the person your with cause not everybody's gonna be fine with that. I don't think how anyone can be to be honest, no offence but I think if you truly do love someone, you CAN'T love another person and if you're suppose to get married to someone you should really make sure you wanna spend your life with them, and it's gonna be impossible loving someone else cause they give you everything you've ever wanted.
[10:04:38 PM] Chris: WHY does it have to HURT?
[10:04:53 PM] S: because it wouldn't be real, if it didn't.
[10:05:06 PM] S: everything in life has aftermath.
[10:05:13 PM] Chris: I know a place with about 50,000 people who would beg to differ
[10:05:40 PM] S: well I'm sure I know people who will agree with me so.
[10:05:53 PM] Chris: I know there is
[10:06:04 PM] Chris: but I don't want to live my life as someone's PROPERTY.
[10:07:23 PM] Chris: That's the way I see monogomy.
[10:14:46 PM] S: If what you want is freedom, then stay single forever because it's not even like that. It's not being someones property. It's respecting the person, your with and love and giving them your all like your suppose to. If you truly love a person, you wouldn't have to go out and do things behind there backs, and lies to them and fall in love with other guys/girls.. If you're in a relationship with someone it's not suppose to be called property. It's suppose to be called being faithful, and faithful to the ONE person you love.
[10:16:44 PM] S: Not 2/3 or how many ever.
[10:16:57 PM] S: but everybody has there opinion and mine is, far off beyond yours.
[10:17:28 PM] Chris: "Suppose to" is dogma... Just 20 years ago everyone was "suppose to" only like members of the OPPOSITE sex... Homosexuality was illegal.
Also, Polyamory doesn't mean go out behind someone's back and fuck people and fall in love randomly. It's not the same as being unfaithful. You don't love the person any less. It's no less faithful than a monogomist relationship.
[10:18:33 PM] S: I think it's wrong, no matter how you explain it.
[10:18:34 PM] S: sorry.
[10:19:13 PM] Chris: You're acting no different than the people who said the homosexuals were wrong back then... I'm sorry to hear that.
[10:19:46 PM] S: homosexuality is falling in love with someone of the same sex. Yes, sure fine that's different to me because it's still giving your self to ONE PERSON you love. Even if they're the same. I don't believe in giving your love, and trust and faith and everything you have in a relationship to 2 people.
[10:20:31 PM] S: and maybe I am like then, but my opinion isn't gonna change on that.
[10:21:09 PM] S: I don't like it, and I don't think it's right. Call me what you will, but sure there's people who agree with you and there's people who agree with me and I don't care how illegal or legal it becomes, I don't like it and I don't support it.
[10:22:04 PM] Chris: You're going to look back on yourself one of these days and what you just said to me... you might hate yourself for it, you might not... You just told me that what I believe and what I WAS BORN INTO, the same way yo're BORN INTO being gay was wrong. You couldn't have hit me more below the belt than that.
[10:23:21 PM] Chris: All I was looking for was to be accepted for what I was. I wasn't saying you had to be like it to... But you told me that I had to be like you...
[10:24:26 PM] S: I will NOT hate myself for something I told you my opinion on. I don't like the idea of it, and just because you can go out and fall in love with another person while your engaged doesn't mean it's right. You get married, to the person you wanna spend your life with. That's why it's such a big commentment and a big step forward in life. I didn't say you had to be like me, because what you do and who you like is none of my concern.
[10:24:31 PM] S: I'm not the one engaged to you.
[10:25:11 PM] Chris: It's not JUST an opinion when you tear down someone and basically tell them that they're unnatural.
[10:25:11 PM] S: Sorry that it hurt your feelings, and I'm sorry if it becomes a GOOD thing later on in life but I won't be sorry for telling you MY view on it.
[10:25:38 PM] S: I didn't say you was unnatural. I said what you're doing isn't right, and if you can love more than one person you shouldn't be in a relationship or engaged.
[10:26:36 PM] Chris: isn't right, wrong, unnatural, it's all the same thing with different wording
[10:26:40 PM] S: It's possible to love 2 people yes, but if you love 2 people you truly don't love the first one because you wouldn't of fallen in love again if your first one was so great.
[10:27:05 PM] Chris: Your exact words were the exact words of anti gay activists 20 years ago.
[10:27:08 PM] S: Take it as you will.. I can't change my wording if it's what I mean.
This is the conversation that has made me so upset tonight and actually start crying. Which amazes me because I have not cried in nine years now.