Tentative steps to explore
Hello everyone! This is my first post in the forum, and I'd like to reach out and ask some questions and hopefully make sense of where I am and where I'd like to go.
I'm currently re-orienting myself after a break-up I went through last year with a man that I thought I was going to marry. We were a long distance relationship for 5 months, fell really hard for each other, and decided to move in together. Almost immediately, there were problems. I got very, very sick and he was not an emotionally comforting type. I felt a lot of emotional deprivation and was forced to confront a lot of my own insecurities and needs after I cheated on him. We stayed together for the remainder of the lease, then broke up. The breakup left a trail of wreckage that has lasted up until just recently, as we both tried to "make things work."
During that time, I became involved with 2 other guys who were both monogamous. It was very complicated, and confusing, as I tried to make sense of what I was doing with my ex, and what it was that I was able to give. All three of them are still present in my life, and I've often felt that I'm being pulled in 3 different directions.
I haven't set up good dynamics, and I haven't really known what I've wanted to be able to tell someone else. Currently, one of them is living with me, on a month-to-month basis, we consider ourselves dating, but I feel often very emotionally drained by him and his insecurities. He needed a place to live just as my roommate was moving out, and so I've seen this as being a temporary stay. I want to set up a poly lifestyle, but I'm not sure if I want him to be a part of my life. And how to proceed if I'm living with someone who I don't know if they're going to be here for long? How do I explain that to new people?
Right now, I'm in therapy for borderline personality disorder. I have PTSD from past sexual abuse, and have chronic physical illness. I'm living in a city away from my family going to school and am pretty lonely, but I feel like I can't interact with people without knowing how to structure things, for fear that I will hurt them. I guess that's it in a nutshell.