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Old 06-08-2012, 06:04 PM
dracopanther dracopanther is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1
Default Tentative steps to explore

Hello everyone! This is my first post in the forum, and I'd like to reach out and ask some questions and hopefully make sense of where I am and where I'd like to go.

I'm currently re-orienting myself after a break-up I went through last year with a man that I thought I was going to marry. We were a long distance relationship for 5 months, fell really hard for each other, and decided to move in together. Almost immediately, there were problems. I got very, very sick and he was not an emotionally comforting type. I felt a lot of emotional deprivation and was forced to confront a lot of my own insecurities and needs after I cheated on him. We stayed together for the remainder of the lease, then broke up. The breakup left a trail of wreckage that has lasted up until just recently, as we both tried to "make things work."

During that time, I became involved with 2 other guys who were both monogamous. It was very complicated, and confusing, as I tried to make sense of what I was doing with my ex, and what it was that I was able to give. All three of them are still present in my life, and I've often felt that I'm being pulled in 3 different directions.

I haven't set up good dynamics, and I haven't really known what I've wanted to be able to tell someone else. Currently, one of them is living with me, on a month-to-month basis, we consider ourselves dating, but I feel often very emotionally drained by him and his insecurities. He needed a place to live just as my roommate was moving out, and so I've seen this as being a temporary stay. I want to set up a poly lifestyle, but I'm not sure if I want him to be a part of my life. And how to proceed if I'm living with someone who I don't know if they're going to be here for long? How do I explain that to new people?

Right now, I'm in therapy for borderline personality disorder. I have PTSD from past sexual abuse, and have chronic physical illness. I'm living in a city away from my family going to school and am pretty lonely, but I feel like I can't interact with people without knowing how to structure things, for fear that I will hurt them. I guess that's it in a nutshell.
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