I know exactly what you're talking about, though I don't think I have an easy answers.
I'm probably just drawing from pop psychology here and could be way off, but here's my two cents, at least. Take a look at how this kind of judgment is affecting the way you view yourself. Do you feel ashamed because you're not in compliance with social gender norms?
You describe your relationship as previously being ownership based. Was that intentional, as a sort of BDSM/Leather relationship (and who owned who)? Or was it just an unintentional patriarchal sort of thing? If you're coming from the BDSM world, then maybe you've already been playing on the playground of sexual inhibitions and deviations, and there's all kinds of lessons you may have already learned, and Pandora's boxes you have already opened within yourself. I don't want to presume anything.
But I find that whenever I have an immediate irrational response to someone else's behavior, it's usually because there's something about that behavior that I don't like to see in myself. Look inside. Are you experiencing any sort of sexual shame or guilt about your own conduct (or interests, or thoughts, etc.)?
I'm a woman, who has had to work out a few self-shaming demons from my own head from time to time. I'm familiar with unearthing and dealing with those inner voices. I'm not sure how I would deal with them (aimed at myself or others) if I were a man, and kudos to you for taking on this task!