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Old 06-08-2012, 06:22 AM
neo651 neo651 is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Quote:
Originally Posted by neo651 View Post
-I feel, that by consenting to be in a relationship like this, that I'm validating an internal sense of inferiority. I feel like I'm admitting to myself that I'm not good enough to justify being someone's only partner and so I have to settle for being a cog in a machine instead.
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Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
I don't know if you do have an internal sense of inferiority.
But I'm sorry you're feeling like you're settling. I love my partners and think they are amazing people, and would never want to treat them any worse than they deserve. Which is the best. Which is me
More seriously, I feel it's similar to friendship in my mind, in that I could never pick only one friend and tell all the others "sorry, I have a friend already", but that doesn't mean I don't love all of them.
I do have a sense of inferiority. It's a severe problem for me and I'm currently seeing a therapist about it (among other things).
Regarding the similarity to friendship, I couldn't help but think about how, even though we all have friends (plural), most of us have a best friend. The friend we spend the largest portion of our social time with, share the deeper secrets, the one who will be the best man/maid of honor when we get married. We love our friends, but we love our best friend the most. At least I do...


Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
What were the issue you thought you had gotten over that were standing between you?
There were two main issues standing between us for a long time. The first of which was that it scared me how well matched we were. We both always knew we were both an exceptionally good fit for the other, so much so that I've always been afraid that once I committed to her that that would be it. She would be the one and she and I would be together forever. This fear was partially fed by the second issue. This one I'm not proud of, but it is what it is. I don't find her physically attractive. This used to be a big problem for me. But now it's not, and neither is my fear of commitment.

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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Did you move ...or has she moved to be with you?
I moved away for a job a year and a half ago. At the time we were just friends.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Looking at your bullet points why do this to yourself. Why be a fraction if you don't want that. Why wait to be fit in.
I don't want to be a fraction, and I don't want to wait to fit. AllI want is to find out if I can work through these issues so that I can be with her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Time is finite. Did the other 2 guys agree to this as long as they didn't take a cut in time and attention?
After we'd talked about how we'd like a romantic relationship with each other, when she told her partners their reaction was more or less them saying "Finally!". She and I aren't capable of hiding the nature of our relationship, apparently, and so it was plainly obvious there was more between us than friendship. In any case, neither of them had any significant objections that couldn't be handled with a simple conversation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Does she live with any or all of them? Do the other 2 guys have a set schedule...... Was and is there a set schedule now ?
She lives with one of them. There's no rigid schedule, but there a few standing dates and such.


Quote:
Originally Posted by neo651 View Post
When she'd told me she wanted the same I had assumed this meant that she was going to break up with her partners and go back to being monogamous and that we would be together and then she could move out here with me.
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Originally Posted by neo651 View Post
I believe I understand polyamory very well.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emm View Post
The first quote indicates to me that the second quote isn't entirely true.
The first quote were my thoughts 2 months ago. The second quote is how I feel today. I've been actively adjusting my perspective.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Can I ask why you two broke up those two times, as it seems like she wasn't poly at the time. How often would you be able to see her physically now? Is the long distance something that has an end in sight?
The first time we dated and broke up was because I was stupid 16 year old who met someone else. So I ended the relationship and started up with the new girl who dumped me inside of a month. The second time we dated and broke up was 5 years later. That story is long and complicated. The short version is that we were both in very bad places in our lives, we both made gigantic mistakes, trust was violated, emotions were scarred and the relationship crashed and burned as quickly as it started, which it never should have been. Now we're more stable people, with command of our emotions.

As far as the long distance aspect, it's unlikely I would be able to see her physically more than once a year. And no, there is no particular end in sight to that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by neo651 View Post
-I hate this feeling that from her busy schedule with her other two boyfriends that she has to find time to fit me in now too.
-I hate the idea that if not for them I could be spending 3x as much time with her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Well obviously with long distance that isn't true now...and...DO you feel that she has to find time to fit you in? Or do you feel she's doing it gladly?

A more useful way to look at is is how much time do you need to spend with a partner to feel happy in a relationship? If I didn't spend at least 3 days a week one on one time with my husband, I'd feel kind of neglected and disconnected. If you want to spend 7 days a week with a partner then it seems obvious dating a poly person wouldn't work for you unless you were content to spend time hanging out with her other partners sometimes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I'm guessing her other two partners are important to her as she took their input about how she shouldn't be doing things with you if you weren't her partner too, which indicates to me that she's not a casual relationship sort of girl? Have you met her other partners? That can help realize that you aren't all cogs in a machine, but people, probably awesome people, that all care about the same person. I know time is scarce but I'd suggest that if you go see her, meeting her partners and THEIR other partners if everybody is game could really give you a better idea if it's a group of people that you'd feel safe having in your life, cause for better or worse, if you date a poly person these other people will impact on your life, whether or not you spend any time with them.
Yes, technically I wouldn't get 3x more time with her because of the distance. But I try to talk to her as often as I can and I can never get as much time as I'd like.

And I don't know how she feels about the act of finding time for me.

As far how much time do I need to spend with her, I don't really know. I haven't been in a serious relationship in about 7 years. But at that time I was gladly spending 5 nights per week with that girl. I've spent time with her other partners on a handful of occasions, they were experiences I very much disliked. I felt like they were intruding on time I could be spending with her one-on-one, I felt jealous whenever they got close to her and I spent most of the time suppressing petty competitive urges.

They are not casual relationships, she loves them both very deeply but I can't help feeling they are competition and obstacles in the way of my happiness. Furthermore, due to some issues in my past I have a deeply inherent distrust of men. It's something else I'm working on with my therapist but I don't anticipate it being resolved anywhere in the near future.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Have either of you read books about poly? There are lots of good books out there. Is she trying to help you find sources to deal with your feelings or not? Obviously if she doesn't know where to find things for you to read or people to talk to that might help that's one thing but if you're struggling and she's not finding ways to support you, that's not a positive sign. I'm not assuming and hoping she isn't leaving you to figure it all out on your own, but I just thought I'd throw that in.
I haven't read any books yet, technically. But I've been doing a lot of reading, in general, with her recommendations. She is trying to help me. We talk about this frequently and I try to be brutally honest about my feelings. She's always exceptionally supportive and understanding
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