I can't remember if I talked about it in this thread yet or not, but I developed a crush on a coworker of Seamus's.
That was while I was still in the US. He's made it clear that while he doesn't forbid anything, he's uncomfortable with the idea of me dating a coworker of his and the repercussions it could have, especially since Seamus is kind of his supervisor so there is some hierarchy getting in the mix too.
I can't imagine that T, the coworker, would be comfortable considering he knows me as his coworker's girlfriend, even though I would say we are on friendly terms.
Well, that was for the backstory. The real content of this update is that since moving back to France again, I just can't stop thinking about him. I'm becoming obsessed with him. Seanmus asked if I was in love with T, and I said I'm not sure, I feel like I need to see him in person again to know if it was just loneliness and missing him that made me feel much stronger emotions, or if I do feel that strongly for him.
I won't see him again for months, which is sad as I'm worried our connection, already small, will just fade away, but also probably good for the same reasons, since the whole thing seems like a bad idea to begin with.
I don't want to meet someone in France as it would be too hard for me to say goodbye when I move to the US, and I know I would get attached because that's the way I am. I can't think of something else (other than meeting people) that could help me get my mind off of him.
I know my feelings aren't in reaction to Seamus getting closer to K as they started before then, although I can't deny that I've been thinking of double dates and things like that, which I realise are toxic thoughts.
I would like to move on and resume a friendship with T, as when I go back I will resume our habit of playing games a few nights a week and I don't want to make it awkward or more difficult than it has to be. Yet I also grasp at those feelings and don't want them to fade away. I dream of T very regularly, and we usually end up together, or very close to (although no sex happens. Hugs and kisses or just a feeling of closeness and intimacy even without contact).
I want to remind myself that these are dreams but when I wake up I can't help but wish it was the truth.
I feel like I have a thing for getting interested in people I can't possibly date. Seamus didn't create a "no coworkers" boundary in response to my liking T, it was there all along, and I should have known better, and I feel angry with myself for letting it happen.
Seamus is conflicted, he re-iterated that the situation would be very uncomfortable for him and T, but he seems to push me to talk to him more, send him emails, etc, and that leaves me confused as I feel like he's supporting me pursuing him, even though I know he would prefer we didn't end up together.
Sometimes I wonder if I should hit on him so he'd reject me and I can be done with it, but that would make it awkward for everyone involved, too.
Any advice would be much appreciated.
Oh, I thought I could give an update about my previous interest/friend. He is mono and from the start we knew it was a "in the meantime" thing for him. Well he now has a girlfriend, and I've known he liked her for six months so it didn't come as a surprise at all when it finally happened.
Since not much had happened between us in a while, it was neither hurtful nor hard to get over. We're still close friends.