That whole coming home thing is more of a conundrum. In my head it plays out like, "fuck off and leave me alone you bastard for not loving me and only me. I don't know where you have been and what you have done and for all I know you have no feelings for me at all and are just placating me," to "please hold me tight and tell me you love me and always will. Tell me you love only me and that this was all a dream and we can go back to normal." I don't know how people get through this kind of thing with any kind of self esteem and sense of self worth left.
We had a lovely night last night of no talking and processing, just closeness. Strained closeness, but closeness just the same. I felt his love for me and even if there was doubt in his eyes and pain, I at least knew he loves me.
My struggle is to not allow the doubt and lack of trust to seep in. I hear him say he is not going to take this relationship with her anywhere. I hear that they will just be friends and just work out how that will be, because he doesn't want more and is moving further away from feeling that kind of bond the way it was (mostly because of the unpheavel this has caused, not because it isn't there), but I am confused about what will happen. I am trying to live in the moment and not take what he says as him deciding that he is poly or monogamous. Just that in this circumstance he is not able, willing or wanting to go forward with a romantic relationship with her. What does it mean to decide to only have a romantic connection with one person and shove all others notions that come up? I want confirmation of what our future will be, but of course, that is impossible and not rational.
I don't get why in his mind he has become so free with me being able to date others. He says that its conformed for him now that other men are not a threat any more. How? Does that mean he cares less? He can let me go now because he doesn't love me as much or care how connected we are any more? I'm so confused.
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