I'm with Tonberry - we have asked if you can talk to her directly - this is most definitely going to be the best way to deal with it, if possible.
And personal comfort issues are VERY different from the issue of "outing" folks as poly. if you are concerned of being outed, then she absolutely needs to respect that.
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb