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Old 06-07-2012, 07:15 AM
Yumi Yumi is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 8

Looking back I probably should have specified single-mono rather than simply mono.

Thanks Bricklie. Most of my time is spent between work and school, so during the school year my time is pretty limited in terms of spending time on personal hobbies. Though I do try and go on a hike and spend time outdoors as much as possible when I have a chance - since those are perhaps two of my favorite things to do. I do find writing things down to be a help, in regards to organizing my thoughts - because sometimes when I try to vocally express them they simply come out in jumbles.

Thanks nycindie!

Emm, he hasn't said it specifically - but that is what I have interpreted from a couple of conversations. The first time that I know of where they discussed the future of their outside relationships; he said that they discussed if they were something they wanted to continue with and be a part of. At that time there had been three of us spending time with at least one or both of them in a span of a couple weeks. Her boyfriend at the time had spent a week with them, and a gal friend had spent time with them also for a week; and I had spent a couple of hours with him during this time span - I can't precisely remember if she was there or not. Naturally(?) they compared the time spent with the three of us, or it struck them. The gal friend was cuddly with both of them, and the boyfriend was chatty with him while snuggling with the wife. This was during the first month after him and I had gotten together, so things were still new and I didn't know the wife that much. Basically my interactions with the both of them, weren't as ideal in comparison to the other two - so they questioned whether or not it was something to continue on with.
About a month or so ago, he told me that I scared his wife. She thought that if he was going to replace her with anyone, that I would be the type of person that he would do so with. He told her that she was irreplaceable, and I concur. I would not want that, and he doesn't either. I don't think that I have necessarily limited my behavior in terms of trying to not be threatening - though I have made an effort to be genuine at all times. Because I know that she has had issues in the past with at least one of his relationships; because the girl he was dating at the time was nice to her and befriended her - then when things didn't work out; the girl never spoke to her again. So I believe the girl essentially tried to get on her good side, simply to be with him I suppose. I think perhaps that is why it has taken his wife and myself a bit longer to really get to know each other and spend time hanging out; because I want/ed to like her simply for who she is completely independently of her tie to him. Though I have found at times it to be hard, because I know how much he cares for and loves her, so it is hard not to care for her because I care for him; compersion.

We had a discussion about the majority of the things I posted about in here, and something he said was that they do try to not have a negative impact on the relationships of the other.

So yes, a couple of days after I wrote the first post we had a conversation about most of the things I was wondering about and struggling with. I think that perhaps one of the biggest hurdles to me struggling with talking to him about it, is that I wasn't sure what our relationship was. Was it casual, serious.. etcetera. If it was just casual, then are these the types of things you even discuss? I felt much better after having the discussion, and still feel good about it. I think also that a large part of it, was that I really didn't know where I fit in, I didn't know what my place was in his or even their life. He said that he never thought I came across as nagging or needy when trying to arrange a time to spend time together, and that if I did come across like that - he would simply say so and say he needed some space.

He understood where I was coming from in my concerns and fears and struggles. He has worried about time, in regards to having quality time with his wife, and recently he has been having the same worries with myself. He also has worries about slipping into monogamous behaviors and relying on him for certain things, which I worry about as well. He reassured me that if something is bothering me, to simply say it or let him know that I want to have a conversation with him about it - and he'll make time for it, as well that I am safe doing so. I felt very safe communicating with him about fears and worries.. and it was very nice to have the conversation, even though at times it was a bit uncomfortable - because we made the promise at the beginning of the conversation to be honest with each other, and to be honest with ourselves. I think being honest with ourselves can at times be tougher than being honest with others. He told me that at this point in his life, he would like me to be in his life for a long time; I feel the same way.

One of the things he has wondered about, and we've had this discussion previously on at least two occasions is that we have never fought, never argued. We deduced that this was perhaps due to there being physical distance between the two of us, in that we live in two different towns. So if we are annoyed at the other person, the distance helps in dispel it - since we don't spend multiple days together in each others company constantly. He claims we are headed down the bullshit road, I think his phrasing was. Because he thinks it is worth our relationship to get into an argument, or have a bullshit moment. Because in his previous relationship experiences, if someone he was with expressed bullshit behavior and tried to get in an argument, if he could get away from it he would and just say 'cya'. but if he didn't have any other choice, then they would get into an argument about it. The hypothetical situation being that if I dropped by his house unannounced and I simply walked into his house and saw him making out with a girl on the couch, and essentially flipped out. A very unlikely hypothetical, but hypothetical none the less.

I am glad that I chose to write the first post, because it made me realize that while yes it is good to simply get it out - it is more important to discuss these things with him.
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