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Old 06-07-2012, 04:50 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I can understand your frustration and feeling dismissed. However, it doesn't sound to me like she is dismissing your feelings. It is easy to point fingers and make her out to be the evil, manipulative bitch, but really -- she simply wants you to read about something she feels strongly about. She's not giving you an ultimatum, but wants you to consider a new approach to your relationship, so why wouldn't you do your due diligence and learn as much about it as possible, rather than saying NO to something that you probably only have some ideas about but not a real understanding? Obviously, the discussions you had with her left her feeling like she still wants you to understand her position and be more willing to consider it. You seem to think that you talked enough about it and made your decision, but big issues like this can sometimes take years of talking.

She didn't say she is just going to go ahead and have another relationship whether you like it or not, she is asking you to see if you can read a little about it so you can be more informed when discussing it with her. Put yourself in her shoes, too. She probably feels like you just put a big wall up and are refusing to even try to see or understand anything about what appeals to her in polyamorous relationships. I am sure she feels as dismissed as you do. Reading about it doesn't mean you would be agreeing to it, but that you are simply willing to have a dialogue about what she wants and how she envisions having an open or polyamorous relationship (two different things). Perhaps you just didn't like the vibe of the book she showed you - there are probably other books that would be better suited for you to learn.

You are really seeing yourself as a victim here, unnecessarily. I am sure she did not "drag" you miles away to be with her so she could then manipulate you to get other things she wanted. Come on. Did she tie you up and bring you there in a duffel bag with duct tape over your mouth? You had no say about moving? You're an adult and chose to move with her. You chose to leave what was familiar to you in order to be her partner and now you don't want to listen to her when she is trying to express some very important needs she has. In adult relationships, people talk to each other, even if they don't like the subject being addressed.

I think it would behoove you to stop resisting having another discussion and learning more about it, because shutting her down will probably push her away emotionally. And I think your panic attacks are coming from these negative thoughts you are having which are probably projections not based in reality. People don't want open or poly relationships to leave their partners, but so that they can stay with them. Reading more and talking more about it doesn't mean you won't be heard, and it doesn't mean you have to consent.

Just like you chose to relocate with her, you can choose to walk away or you can choose to take baby steps and see if open or poly isn't as bad as you imagine. There are so many ways to live poly or open. Why make a decision without knowing more? She wants to see if this is something that can work with you two. She doesn't want to leave you, but she wants the freedom to be with other people, too. And probably wants you to have the same freedom. Also, there are many monogamous partners of poly people who have very satisfying relationships, even though their partner is involved with others.

Investigating the options isn't a bad thing, if it helps bring you knowledge. And knowledge always makes one better equipped to make choices. For any of us, there is always so much to learn, not just about polyamory, open relationships, or other forms of non-monogamy, but about relationships and intimacy in general!
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 06-07-2012 at 06:12 AM.
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