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Old 06-07-2012, 03:31 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,731

Originally Posted by badger24 View Post
The big question is how do you know if you are mono or poly.
Different people have come to their knowledge of themselves in different ways. There have been a number of threads on just this topic - along then lines of "When did you know..."

Some people feel that they are "wired" poly. Other people find themselves in poly situations and find that they do just fine (although they were also "just fine" in a monogamous situation) - "situational" poly? For myself the idea that you would find "the one" and magically never be interested romantically in anyone ever again always seemed rather inane (but that's just ME - I never was looking for "the one" to start with).

Originally Posted by badger24 View Post
My partner is very openly bisexual and I have always been very open and supportive about new ideas...
We have talked alot about poly relationships and she is now seeing another woman who I know well ... I have been quite happy to let her be open...
Kudos! This part is very good - sounds like you have been very supportive of her bisexuality and her polyness.

Originally Posted by badger24 View Post
...and she wants me to do the same... and myself not but she said she cant live with the guilt of her having this open relationship and me not.
Ahhh - Here's the rub. Sounds like she is pushing you to be poly too so she doesn't feel guilty for "having her cake and eating it too". You have the right to explore your own feelings on the subject and decide what is right for you personally. You gave her full rein to explore herself - she really needs to do the same. She gave you the "freedom" to see other women (which is fair and right) - that is really good enough - it is up to you to decide what to do with that "freedom."

My husband has had that "freedom" for the past 20 years and never felt particularly inclined to act upon that. That's okay - it's there if he ever wants to use it. I have to trust that he makes his choices for his own reasons - he is a grown-up. (We've talked about this - he is not against the idea - if the perfect girl happened to walk into the house he wouldn't say "no" - he just has zero interest in seeking someone out.)

My boyfriend has also had that "freedom" for as long as we have been together. I was urging him to find a "real" girlfriend(i.e. not married - someone that he could build an independent future with). I finally realized (not too long ago, in fact) that the "freedom" also must include the freedom to NOT pursue other relationships if he doesn't feel so inclined. I can choose to invite him into my life - he can choose to accept or decline that invitation. I can invite him to pursue other women - he can choose to do that or not.

Originally Posted by badger24 View Post
So I have started taking interested in another woman and my partner is really excited for me especially as the woman I am interested in is like minded... now when I meet people I think whether or not they are interested and not just see them as friends etc.
OK. So these might be argument that you can be poly if you choose. You can take interest in other women, you see other people as potential partners.

The question is - Is this because you feel that your relationship with your partner is over? (In which case you might be a mono who is looking for the partner who comes "after") Or do you see these people as potential partners "in addition" to your current partner? (potentially poly)

Remember that just because you see these people in a new light (potential partners) does not mean that you have to act on that - there is no deadline here. I found that when I got together with Dude, my eyes were opened (again) to the myriad of possibilities. I had gotten used to my rut and forgotten (temporarily) that the world was full of interesting people. I started REALLY LOOKING at people. Still haven't felt the need to act on that in any way.

Originally Posted by badger24 View Post
The only problem is that I feel like my relationship with my partner has ended. I feel more lonely and isolated than I have ever felt in my life. I feel like have opened up a can of worms inside myself that cant be put away. I was content before... I hate myself.
There are actually two problems that I see here:

1.) relationship with partner - WHY do you feel it is over? Because you are each seeing other people? Because you feel that a connection that was there is gone? This, to me, is a problem independent of the whole poly question. Do you two need to work on your own relationship? (I think yes) Do you need to set aside time each week for just the two of you reconnect? Do you need to go to couples counselling?

2.) relationship with self - WHY do you hate yourself? Because you find that you can develop an interest in women other than your partner? Is this some societal conditioning kicking in? (just askin') From what you have posted you have done nothing wrong - you supported your partner in her bisexuality and polyness. You sought the attentions of other women AFTER she encouraged you to. You were upfront with those women (from what I can see - since she is "like-minded") about the situation. So where is this coming from?

Originally Posted by badger24 View Post
Well that is better according to my partner but for me it feels like the kind of sex you have when you first start meeting someone. You know you could take it or leave it and there is certainly no love.
Sex. See, thing is, everyone has different stuff that they deal with about sex. I, personally, am fine with sex that doesn't have all that emotional BS attached to it - I like it! (Even with my husband - I don't need/want every encounter to be dripping with "significance" - too much pressure...). Maybe she like the uninhibited feeling of just being able to be "greedy." (I may be projecting here... - but I do like "first start meeting someone" sex - you, obviously, feel differently)

So what do you think is missing for you? What does she think makes it better for her? Can some compromise be reached? "Significant sex" on some instances, "just fucking" in others...?

Originally Posted by badger24 View Post
I feel like alice tumbling down the rabbit hole. Whats wrong with me? Most men would love to be in my position. Am I being pathetic and should I just go along with it.
Welcome to the roller-coaster! You are not pathetic, there is nothing wrong with you - you are human. We experience things, we feel things, we get confused. There is no "most men" - there is a stereotype that is irrelevant. You are not "most men" - you are an individual person making his way along his unique path through life. Sometimes the road gets bumpy.

Originally Posted by badger24 View Post
I am new to this please go easy on me
Stop. Breathe.

There is someone on here with a sig line along the lines of: "It will all be OK in the end. If it's not OK, then it's not the end."

Actual advise: SLOW DOWN. Digest. Process.

You don't have to be poly if you don't want to. You can be poly and not act on it for a while. You do not need to try to do things in a certain way to make your partner more comfortable if it makes you uncomfortable. You can support her while not pursuing the same path - you are different people, you may come to the same destination by a different road - it's OK.

Just my (really long) two cents...

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (5+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic girlfriend and BFF
Lotus: "it's complicated"
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 06-07-2012 at 03:39 AM.
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