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Old 06-06-2012, 06:30 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
RP, I'm sorry you are hurting and losing sleep, but I have to say that I think you are jumping the gun a bit in imagining this woman as your metamour. Hasn't Mono always insisted that he can't be anything other than monogamous? He has always said that if he were to be interested in someone else, it means that he's losing his connection to you. And he has also always said that if you expressed interest in taking on another lover, he would start losing his connection to you. Even though he was happy to see you happy with your latest dates (because he loves you!) and you were marveling at his compersion, it would seem that he knows himself pretty well and it is indeed your connection that needs to heal.
It is our connection that needs healing. It is healing as a result of our working on this. I was jumping the gun on this woman being a metamour. I was hoping that if I put my head in the space of her being in his life that I could slowly scale back to feeling okay about his even going out for coffee with her! It seems to of worked a bit. I am definitely less anxious and hurt by the texting as a result... we shall see what time does.

He has always insisted that he will and is monogamous. He got very confused when he found himself bonding with another woman and still being in love with me. I can see how this would keep him from saying something too. I was hoping that, like when he needed to work through his family issues after his divorce, that he would come to me for that sort of thing also. I was hurt when he didn't.

He is insisting I see these other men now. I have told him I am not interested in seeing anyone and want to scale back to just us again, but he wants me to see it through and decide for my self. I have lost interest in anything that is going to any way rock the boat or add more stress and activity in my life at the moment, but as Mono seems to of really liked to see me so happy I am seeing if there is a chance that I could be happy again with all that was and is going on around me. I am not sure if its a good idea. I find it hard to trust that his pushing me out the door is for the reasons he says.

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
If I were you, instead of trying to figure out how to incorporate this woman into your life, work on rebuilding your connection with Mono. Be there for him in the way he needs you to be. Respecting his request for less talk and more time together is one way to do that. Obviously, he has felt that there was something inhibiting his connection to you and it started to fall away enough to start developing this intimacy and love for his female friend. I suspect it has something to do with giving him consideration and attention. Even though he is a loner, perhaps underneath watching you go through your break-up with Leo and your excitement over your new friends, he may have been thinking, "Well, what about me?" I don't know, only guessing here. Whether it will be possible to have more relationships down the road is something you and he will have to negotiate, and it is totally possible that the dynamic between you and Mono will be completely different than it was and be satisfying. But I think your focus should be on reconnecting, rather than on her and what she's all about.
yes I agree. It should be about us re-connecting than about her... onward to doing that.

There are other factors that are inhibiting his connection... all of which I don't know if I am at liberty to mention so I best not. There is a lot of life change going on for him and I think part of it is that he has been in the habit of changing everything when he gets to points in his life like he is now. I think that perhaps this is part of that way he operates. He is trying hard to not just throw up his hands and leave. This was his past way of dealing with things. Things get tough, end everything and start again. I admire how hard he is working on this, I really do.
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