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Old 06-06-2012, 06:13 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
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Thanks Ceil for the message first off.
Originally Posted by newtoday View Post
He has told me quite often that he would understand if I changed my mind and decided to pursue others to find my own primary. Recognizing that, if that happened, as I am mono, things would most probably end with him. Hearing him encourage me like that hurt me, as to me, it meant that he was OK with my leaving. He confessed that he would actually be devastated if I let another man into my heart and into my bed. Yet he would feel like a hypocrite for not accepting it if I chose that path. He's shamed that he doesn't want me to have another while he has his SO at home. It's not that he doesn't believe in poly, he just knows that it's not a choice that I would make for myself. So he fears losing me. And his fears are reasonable.

I accept that about him and love him more for sharing his true feelings. And although I briefly thought about finding another at one time, I remain committed to him. I love him with all of my heart.
I would be devistated too and I feel hypocritical, however, I would live on and get over it. Things for me would likely change, but I will never stop loving Mono. He will always be in my life, just like my ex-wife is and others I love dearly still. I am not ready for that yet though and I don't feel as if our time as partners is over. Maybe if he were to have another love it wouldn't be over for us... There would be a change though.

Originally Posted by newtoday View Post
When I read the prior threads about you adding more and more loves into your life, I couldn't help but wonder how Mono really felt about that. As a Secondary, our biggest wish is to have more time with the object of our affection. To have that parceled out even more between additional loves, could be a huge challenge. I recently attended a work/life balance seminar and one thought sticks in my head "For every thing you say YES to, you are saying NO to another. Choose what you say YES to, make sure your priorities are in line."

In poly, love may be infinite but time and ability to provide attention are not. We must stay keenly aware of that.

Maybe for Mono, every time you said YES to another love, he was hearing NO to him. And for fear of losing you and you reacting as you actually did, he was scared to tell you his thoughts. Or he thought, who the heck really cares. At times, I have been guilty of such thoughts. Why would my bf care if I found another? He has his SO at home. But when I told him that, it hurt him alot. He would care. He would be devestated. Another love doesn't replace one who has taken such a huge piece of your heart. If anything, it makes things worse for all involved.

In reality, insecurities and doubt are only kept at bay when all partners feel their needs are being met. When they are not, you are bound for trouble. As I'm sure you already know.

I wish you both all the best. I know that this will only make you and your relationship stronger in the end.
I asked Mono, after hearing from you, if he felt as if his time with me was not enough, if he felt that his needs weren't being met, if he would like to change something in order to make his life better with me in some way. He said that he in no way feels that he doesn't get enough time with me. We live together, all of us, under one roof for one thing. We see each other often. For another he is a loner and very independent, he has always prefer I ask if he would like to do something rather than assume he would come and do it like the rest of the house hold operates. He cuts the lawn on his own time, takes his garbage out on his own time, comes up and eats dinner with us on his own time and goes and does his own thing on his own time. If he wanted more time he could have it and I would give it too him. Its ofter me that asks him if I can see him these days. Well, until last week when this all came up anyway.

I think that really it was a matter of spending time with this woman as a friend and them finding that there was a mutual attraction and fondness beyond the friendship they began with. It just happened. Just like my meeting the man I am seeing. I never expected to find anyone that interesting and now I am finding that not only am I spending time with the friend I had and seeing if there is something more there, but spending time with the man I met to see if there is something worth working on there also. It just happened. As did Mono and the woman... so he says.
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