Originally Posted by kdt26417
"Don't try to convince your spouse to think like you do. Just explain to them how *you* came to think differently about things, offer to answer any questions they may have, and/or direct them to websites and further information if they want it, and express that you hope they'll be able to accept this about you, but that you understand if they can't, and you're willing to renegotiate the relationship, and apologize that things didn't turn out as you thought they would be." That's about the best anyone can do in such a situation.
You hit the nail on the head, I think. I don't think it's "fair" for people to realize their polyamorous leanings several years into marriage (as I did) and I don't think it's "fair" for poly people to have to try to squish into a mono box, and I don't think it's "fair" for mono spouses to have to put up with poly partners, and it's certainly not "fair" to go half our lifetimes without even realizing such a thing as polyamory is an option, but if we're talking about human behavior and emotions and personal growth and change and so forth, all it comes down to is taking the situation you've got and making an honest attempt at finding the best path.
My husband and I have uncovered all sorts of mismatched assumptions we each had about what marriage meant, in our journey. Too late to quibble over differences now. We are married, and it is only from the present forward that we can define what that means to us, and whether we can agree on a definition that works for both of us. (So far so good, with compromises on both our parts.)