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Old 06-06-2012, 12:30 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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RP, I'm sorry you are hurting and losing sleep, but I have to say that I think you are jumping the gun a bit in imagining this woman as your metamour. Hasn't Mono always insisted that he can't be anything other than monogamous? He has always said that if he were to be interested in someone else, it means that he's losing his connection to you. And he has also always said that if you expressed interest in taking on another lover, he would start losing his connection to you. Even though he was happy to see you happy with your latest dates (because he loves you!) and you were marveling at his compersion, it would seem that he knows himself pretty well and it is indeed your connection that needs to heal.

If I were you, instead of trying to figure out how to incorporate this woman into your life, work on rebuilding your connection with Mono. Be there for him in the way he needs you to be. Respecting his request for less talk and more time together is one way to do that. Obviously, he has felt that there was something inhibiting his connection to you and it started to fall away enough to start developing this intimacy and love for his female friend. I suspect it has something to do with giving him consideration and attention. Even though he is a loner, perhaps underneath watching you go through your break-up with Leo and your excitement over your new friends, he may have been thinking, "Well, what about me?" I don't know, only guessing here. Whether it will be possible to have more relationships down the road is something you and he will have to negotiate, and it is totally possible that the dynamic between you and Mono will be completely different than it was and be satisfying. But I think your focus should be on reconnecting, rather than on her and what she's all about.

((((((HUGS)))))
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 06-06-2012 at 12:32 AM.
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