C just got back from a few days hiking and camping with a female friend. While he was gone I had a dream that there was a gap in email communication (he writes to me most days) and I was sure he was sleeping with this woman, and I really struggled with it. When I woke up I thought about my feelings, and realized that while I sincerely do want him to find a true "partner," who can be what I just can't be for him, I am afraid of the changes that will cause in my relationship with him. Afraid that he will have less time for me, less attention for me, and if she requires him to be monogamous, that our relationship will be less compelling for him without the physical intimacy we've been able to enjoy. (He recently made some comment about hoping for miracles, like a partner who would accept his relationship with me, but until then had never indicated any desire to be poly himself.)
I feel like a stop-gap for him. He finds our relationship better than being alone, but not fulfilling enough to stop him from looking for someone who will end up basically replacing me. He has been very reassuring with his words, claiming that I am helping him grow and learn and that he will always love me no matter what direction our relationship takes, but when it comes down to it, he is shopping for my replacement. As he should be; he deserves a girlfriend who can join him in his travels, spend time at his house, have sex with him. I think that I am unselfishly wanting that for him, but the panic I felt in my dream made me realize I am not so noble. I want to keep him. I would be happier if he just found a half dozen friends for travel and sex, and saved his love for me. Also now that he tossed that comment out there about having a girlfriend and me... that's a bit of heaven I'd like to hope for.
I don't think it's fair to feel this selfish. I already have a wonderful husband who has eyes only for me. Monogamy starts to feel like a waste to me though. Why shouldn't two women get to enjoy C, one he can travel with, and me for what I do for him? Why should I keep my handsome husband all to myself? I would share these men, if they could both love me freely and I could freely love both of them. Unrealistic dreams, I know.
Married to a monogamous man 14 yrs, mother of 2, dating C 2 yrs, and in a romantic friendship with L 20 yrs