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Old 06-05-2012, 11:27 PM
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newtoday newtoday is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 187
Default This too shall pass.

Redpepper. I feel for what both you and Mono are going through.

To give you an alternate perspective and Mono some support as a fellow secondary.....

I identify as mono. I love only my bf. He is my world. He is poly, loving me and his live-in SO.

He has told me quite often that he would understand if I changed my mind and decided to pursue others to find my own primary. Recognizing that, if that happened, as I am mono, things would most probably end with him. Hearing him encourage me like that hurt me, as to me, it meant that he was OK with my leaving. He confessed that he would actually be devastated if I let another man into my heart and into my bed. Yet he would feel like a hypocrite for not accepting it if I chose that path. He's shamed that he doesn't want me to have another while he has his SO at home. It's not that he doesn't believe in poly, he just knows that it's not a choice that I would make for myself. So he fears losing me. And his fears are reasonable.

I accept that about him and love him more for sharing his true feelings. And although I briefly thought about finding another at one time, I remain committed to him. I love him with all of my heart.

When I read the prior threads about you adding more and more loves into your life, I couldn't help but wonder how Mono really felt about that. As a Secondary, our biggest wish is to have more time with the object of our affection. To have that parcelled out even more between additional loves, could be a huge challenge. I recently attended a work/life balance seminar and one thought sticks in my head "For every thing you say YES to, you are saying NO to another. Choose what you say YES to, make sure your priorities are in line."

In poly, love may be infinite but time and ability to provide attention are not. We must stay keenly aware of that.

Maybe for Mono, every time you said YES to another love, he was hearing NO to him. And for fear of losing you and you reacting as you actually did, he was scared to tell you his thoughts. Or he thought, who the heck really cares. At times, I have been guilty of such thoughts. Why would my bf care if I found another? He has his SO at home. But when I told him that, it hurt him alot. He would care. He would be devestated. Another love doesn't replace one who has taken such a huge piece of your heart. If anything, it makes things worse for all involved.

In reality, insecurities and doubt are only kept at bay when all partners feel their needs are being met. When they are not, you are bound for trouble. As I'm sure you already know.

I wish you both all the best. I know that this will only make you and your relationship stronger in the end.

Last edited by newtoday; 06-05-2012 at 11:27 PM. Reason: Spelling!
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