Last night I tried to respect Mono's wishes to have less talking and more just being together. That worked for some time and eventually he opened up a bit. Its hard to know where to start with all the things that have been said. What I got most of all is that this woman was uncomplicated and spending time with her was essentially a break from me and what was going on for me. He wants to keep that in his life and apparently not take it further than that. I've heard that many many times before, but the trust isn't there. It will come I think.
He told me some of what they talk about in more depth, which I appreciated as I have been asking for him to tell me what is going on, but it was hard to hear. Hard to hear that they share anything at all really. Especially since I thought it was just me he shares with.
He thinks that she is really interested in poly and if there was a chance she would want him as a bf. Also hard to hear. Somehow it became more evident last night that is also about what she wants and what this has opened up for her. Sure, I knew that was a factor, but it hit home more than ever last night.
I lay awake for hours after that, PN rolling around beside me asking if I was okay and me saying I could go and sleep on the couch. Sigh, I feel like this all comes out on him as I am so distant. Its not his fault, yet it must feel terrible when I say I am going to sleep on the couch.
I lay awake and decided to just let it go. Just let my head go there, to that place of, this isn't going away, Mono has a need for this woman(or any other woman) to be his gf. I wondered what that would look like and what that would change for me in terms of boundaries. So, I made a mental list. I won't go into detail, but it started with my needing him to use condoms. Fluid bonding is a huge deal to us and always has been. That in itself was a shot of pain... There are about 7-10 requests I would have that aren't meant to be ultimatums, but boy they sure seem like they are instead of boundaries. I told him about them today and expressed that they were fluid and changeable with time for me, but this is what I would ask for if he came to me with a decision that this woman was now going to be my metamour.
My concern now is to not allow myself to already think that its a done deal. I am holding on in my heart to not assume the worst case scenarios for me in this. I am hoping that in making this list I can come back from it into something that is what they want and I am comfortable with because I pushed my mind to the edge on some of these issues.
Mono is asking me to get back to seeing the men I was entertaining. He wants me to be happy again; like I was a week ago. Happy and light and joyous. He was loving seeing me like that and wants me to be that again. I have put all of it on hold in my head. My priority is him and this situation. It might mean that I am a downer to him, but I have nothing in me to give anyone priority over him right now. I still talk to other people in my life. I met Derby for lunch today, but my presence is elsewhere. I enjoy being totally present with people when I'm with them. I hope that just being their physically for a bit will be enough right now.
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