I hope they can... I am poly my husband is mono.
In my situation he is the one who realized that I was poly and going crazy in our relationship since he couldn't give me what I need. He too is heavy into BDSM and is wired as a sub/slave. He got into a relationship with me knowing that I have huge issues with physically hurting the ones I love. He thought he could live without it apparently he can not. I can sometimes play with him if I am very happy hence his suggesting I "find my happiness".
I am straight and have no interest in other women so needless to say I have found a man who is everything my husband is not. Don't get me wrong I love my husband deeply but he can't be everything I need I need two types of men to make me happy. My husband is actually and Alpha male everywhere but the bedroom. And that is one place I need one. He gets off on physical pain and humiliation and I just can not do that to a man I love.
My relationship currently is a vee. The men know of each other but have never met. I want an egalitarian vee. Hubby wants an heirarchical vee which is understandable. I want the relationships I have with each man to be separate from each other. I care about each of them differently.
I spent this past weekend with my boy friend. My husband got this whole huge bondage fantasy worked up in his head. When I came home I was open to playing a bit to make him happy but was not in the mood to get deep into it. Which didn't make him happy. To be honest it creeps me out sometimes. He didn't get what he wanted and has been upset ever since. I keep telling him what I am comfortable with he does not respect my feelings. I am willing to meet him halfway but he keeps trying to drag me beyond my comfort zone. The last 6 years have been like this. Even before he suggested me seeing other people.
So right now I am dealing with my hurt feelings. Hubby's anger. My boyfriend is supportive of me. He understands I am between a rock and a hard place and I am facing an ugly conversation with my husband. I hate to say it hubby is pushing me away.
Hon my suggestion to you is to find a good counselor.. Some one to help you deal with your emotional pain.
Every time my husband pushes his issues on me to be honest I take it as a personal attack. I have suggested he look outside our relationship to satisfy his bondage needs but he refuses as he is a hard wired mono and I am the only one for him. He just can't seem to get that he is pushing me away with his demands. It is now at the point their is not intimacy between us. I have no urge to have anyway with him because of his demands without compromise.