Originally Posted by redpepper
Thanks Arrowbound, its people who are not poly that think that way. They don't understand. The woman in question is confused by my reaction also. She doesn't relate to what I am feeling I don't think and carries on as if Mono is just one of many to me. I know she just doesn't understand but to me it makes me feel like people think he is dispensible to me. He is far from it. I intend to fight for what we have and make this a learning curve.
In the mono world it would be a matter or telling him to cut her out entirely or him leaving me for her. I am not suggesting either, but working through it so they can be together in whatever way they want. I can see, that in me doing that, it would be expected some how, but for different reasons. I have other partners after all so I should stop whining and let him do what he wants. Off course its completely not like that, but how does someone explain that to people. I hope this made sense, lol.
Makes perfect sense. People tell other people to suck it up in monogamous marriages and relationships all the time! Never mind that this is something you BOTH need to work through. Y'all live together and are a family for god sakes.
Originally Posted by Tonberry
Well, as I understand, you had an agreement and he didn't hold to it, and if he had told you about it when it first happened you would have walked through it together. So the problem isn't the concept of him being with someone else but the idea that he went behind your back, and the breach of trust. Maybe if you explain it that way more people would understand.
Originally Posted by dingedheart
I guess what meant with the idea of a clash in hard ideologies is no one wants to be a hypocrite and neither of you would want to admit those shifts ....although you just did
And with each of these hard positions assumptions and possible projections got made.
Actually your response to Tonberry reflects that poly hardline
falling for the bullshit ...victim to cultural programming.
I understand the trust issue but how much different is this from bending/breaking a boundary you had set with PN or mono in regards to Leo or someone else. With all the lectures, events, forum talk , etc, etc could you frame it as you finally got through....He might finally get it
on with life. Couldn't this be a moment to celebrate once the sting is gone.
Have you 2 thought about counseling ? Its recommended here all the time but because of your position here people might not think of that.... and you might not have thought of it.
You know, that never occurred to me. Or maybe it did but I never referred to it as cultural programming polywise, lol.
I too see this as being a potentially awesome shift if everything goes well. I don't think I ever saw myself as mono even before I met my SO but I've still come a long way in terms of understanding myself and how I love others, and a sense of belonging as well. It'd be nice to know that Mono has joined the fray in that sense.