Originally Posted by youngone
I wonder if people have any advice for me on three fronts-- 1.) do you think there is anything I should say / ask when I see J? 2.) what can I do to make F more comfortable if we do decide to open our relationship? 3.) if J doesn't want anything more from me but I can see myself trying to go for more, what should I do? Should I just cut off relations with J? Or is the fact that I'm tempted to cheat a sign that I should end things with F?
1. don't have any advice.
2. go slow, read some books on open relationships, have J read here and on other forums if he is not really sure how it would work, or has questions that need answering
It bears repeating - go slow, as in even if you get the go ahead to be intimate with J, that doesn't mean you need to jump into bed, even though a year and a half of liking him must seem like forever. Be prepared to deal with NRE and other pitfalls people with newly opened relationships face.
3. Well if J doesn't want more and you think you'll try to cheat, I wouldn't put myself in situations when I was alone with him/drink around him until I felt I had that under control. Assuming that you would feel horrible guilt for the rest of your life if you hurt F when he (as far as I can tell) hasn't hurt you or gotten much in the way of angry, mean or jealous about your feelings.
Is it a sign you should break up with F? Have you been emotionally attracted to other people too? If nothing happens with J are you uncertain if you will find yourself attracted to somebody else down the line and face the same questions? Really it comes down to if you and F can decide if you need monogamy or non-monogamy for yourselves. If you're not sure there probably isn't harm trying to work it out until one of you knows what you want. If you want different things, then I'd say it's probably less hurtful in the long run to break up before you do something you'd regret.
It sounds like you and F have really good lines of communication open. If he is as forthcoming as you are about how he feels I really envy you guys!