Hi, newbie here. I'm 21. My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. We've also lived together in our own apartment for two years. Though we're young, we're both very serious about each other. I am realistic and know that the chances of us lasting forever are very slim, but nonetheless I love this guy like nothing else and I'd like to see us last as long as possible.
Well, onward to the problems. Sorry if this is long.
About three years ago I met this guy, J, through a friend. J is the most awkward guy I know. He is also still a virgin at 25 (partly by choice, as he's had offers.) Despite all of his awkwardness, J is a very intelligent and nice guy, so I happily started talking to him. I saw him purely as a friend.
Well, two years ago, when F and I got our own apartment, things started to change. J started coming over our apartment fairly regularly. After a while I started developing feelings for J. Sometimes when he was over I would cuddle with J in a semi-romantic way—if F minded, he didn't say anything. I eventually told F that I liked J. He said that it had been obvious, and that he didn't mind since J was harmless.
Fast forwarding a bit. . . Due to work, J eventually stopped coming over as much. Because of this, I started spending as much time as I could with J when he did
come over (he usually came with other friends.) We hugged a lot, cuddled a lot. It became obvious to other people that I liked J. People started confronting F, asking if he had any problems with it. They also started confronting J, asking if we were having an affair. At first, F thought it was funny that people were worried. But eventually, he started feeling very self-conscious, and felt as though people were undermining our relationship. Since F likes J a lot as a friend, he never became angry at J. Still, it was around then that F started looking uncomfortable whenever I so much as mentioned J.
Well, last month, there was a development. For you see, though I
like J romantically (and had told him so), he
had never said he liked me. I had always assumed that he was just hugging me and such because he was lonely. He never implied having any feelings for me—in fact, he always went on about this one girl that he liked. Then, all of the sudden, J admitted to me that he likes me. I was actually quite surprised.
I told F soon after. He was immediately anxious. He told me that he would prefer that things stay as they are—that he doesn't want J and I to become “physical.” I understand his wishes completely, but to be honest, it's going to be so hard to keep. I have liked J for a year and a half now. The tension is unbelievable. J is also now one of my closest friends, and I can't bare the thought of cutting him out of my life. I don't want to cheat, but I can see myself slipping in a moment of weakness. I've admitted this to F.
I asked F if he would consider letting me date J. He said that he wasn't sure how he felt about it. That he felt a bit uncomfortable with the idea of me being physical with J, and that he was nervous that he wouldn't feel as special anymore. I assured him that he would always special to me. I also told him that I wouldn't mind if he started looking around or fooling around with others. He told me that this wasn't too realistic since he “wouldn't be able to find anyone” which I don't necessarily agree with--I know it's often harder for men to find people, but F used to be hit on constantly.
So, I set up a talk with J for two days from now. I'm going to ask him what he wants out of me. Based off of what he says, I will discuss what to do with F. I am very afraid. There is a good chance I will lose either one of my most important friends or my boyfriend. There is also a chance I will come away with two partners.
I wonder if people have any advice for me on three fronts-- 1.) do you think there is anything I should say / ask when I see J? 2.) what can I do to make F more comfortable if we do decide to open our relationship? 3.) if J doesn't want anything more from me but I can see myself trying to go for more, what should I do? Should I just cut off relations with J? Or is the fact that I'm tempted to cheat a sign that I should end things with F?