Originally Posted by Vixtoria
Personally, my problem is that there is a kind of attitude that the person who cheated is a 'poor poly'. Someone that had no idea they had options so HAD to cheat. Who is somehow the victim and society has done them a great disservice. They do not feel the need to be portrayed as a bad guy in any sense. They do not have to apologize or feel any guilt at all for breaking the trust of a relationship. They really just need to tell their partner (spouse) that poly is okay and show them articles on how to get over their jealousies and have compersion!
I totally agree with you on this point, in fact, you will quite often see places where I have made posts along the lines of "Well YOU are the one that is breaking the vows and promises that you made, so it's not really your spouse's fault that they can't just change their whole life at the drop of a hat".
There is not "HAD to cheat" that I will tolerate - it is always, always a choice, and people need to fess up to that. I really don't accept the poly victim thing which I see very often. I usually try to be polite and constructive about it, by changing the perspective, rather than hauling them over the coals, but the message is (hopefully) still clear.