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Old 06-04-2012, 12:00 AM
Questioning Questioning is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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OK mobetterblues, I am here for you. That was the shortest 'dumped' I've ever had. We just had sex twice, now she's gone home to study.

But... REALITY!!! She was in love with me but I kept being emo. Now I am not in good graces, and any more emo stuff and she'll be gone for good. Feelings are ok, obsession is hard work, horrible bullshit.

Last year my obsession started and basically I have been an emo idiot for the best part of a year. It's really fucked, as you know, if she pushes me away I get emo, if i'm not emo I can't do anything wrong. My obsession tells me 'she doesn't stick with you through thick and thin' - she does, but there's only so much emotional blackmail (I'll hurt myself) and accusations a loved one can take before they despair of you. M cares a great deal but my emotions got beyond reasonable bounds several times. mistakes are fine, repeated mistakes just get fucking boring.

So I begged. FUCK PRIDE when it comes to love, pride is nothing but a construct of the ego, a bunch of messages from people who like to sound important and knowing, pride is bullshit. And your obsession will use your pride to try and justify all that wasted energy you put into it.

Here's where we're at. She's decided I'm too unstable as a partner. She lost attraction to me for exactly the reason I said, taking back the acceptance of polyamory - when I pointed it out as the reason, and apologised, I knew there was hope as her reception of this was very good. She loves me, but is not 'in love' with me. I still turn her on (YAY) but 'in love' is when a woman feels safe with me, I have been too unstable lately, I might try to repair this, but concentrating on fixing 'us' is actually an error. Understanding 'us' the polyamory really helped, but there is no 'us' to fix. There's me to fix. If M is in my life or not, there's me to fix. So, i have a wonderful friend, she will be my lover if i can stop the emotional rubbish. If I pin my hopes on a long term prospect with her I will probably get hurt again. She has given up on me as a long term prospect.

If I spend my waking hours trying to win her back (obsessing) I am a fool, the obsessing is the root of the problems now, the polyamory is dealt with and understood. I need to get my life as full and rewarding as possible, to stand on my own feet. M is a bonus in my life, not a given.

As love is never a given, and there is a lot of uncertainty in building a relationship, people often feel out of control. For myself feeling like I have no control scares the crap out of me (due to past) so I try to control things, plan to, think about how to.... I OBSESS!

And under the obsession is the fear. I wont handle it therefore I'm not good enough therefore I will always be alone. The best advice i can give you is to trot out those fears and use TEA as a tool to dispel them. TEA is a marvellous tool, it will leave you feeling RAW for a couple of days, but you'll feel improvements fast. Get professional help if you can. Get into a CBT group, not for her, not to fix the couple thing, for your peace of mind, your happiness. It sounds counterintuitive but the more we try to fix things the more we fuck them up. We are POWERLESS over people, only ourselves.

Yeah I know, obsession, you feel powerless. it's hard to stop. It's hard to start anything else. You don't really have a choice, pain then despair (obsession) or pain then improvement (TEA and good therapy) are your options really. she could come back and be attentive and everything is WONDERFUL again, but that obsession still lives in your head, first sign of trouble (real or imagined) it will rear its ugly head again.

I am writing this stuff for myself as much as I am for you. I'll do another post shortly, on my analysis of my obsession so far, see if it rings any bells. I send you love and caring over the internet, you are not alone, only when you are in that head of yours.
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