I had a good looong skype conversation with rory today. It was really nice and I also felt more connected to her than I have felt for a while now because we haven't been able to talk as much as we would've needed. So today's call was really beneficial. And only 5 days until we get to see each other again! <3 It's been a tough 2 months being apart.
When talking to rory I realised some things about my own thought patterns that I hadn't really challenged before and I now realised that maybe I should. I keep saying that I don't want a relationship with Bob. That is still true but why do I keep repeating it, why do I want to convince everybody that that's the way it is? I think it's mainly me who needs convincing. I've said quite a few times that I don't want a third partner, way before any real possibilities even came to be. Somehow because I've said this many times during the time I've been with rory, I feel like I've made a promise or something. Which I actually haven't. In the very first message of this blog I wrote "All of us are open to the idea of more partners so we're not poly-fi. Although the husbands aren't looking for anyone and neither are me and rory, but it's not forbidden either. I think at the moment we're all happy with the current situation, but never say never."
Because I apparently subconsciously feel like I can't change my mind about the number of partners, I've made very little time to be with Bob. I've tried to not let it take too much away from my existing relationships or anything else in my life. If I took more time to be with him, it would be too much like a relationship and I've told so many times I don't want that, right? So you know how I make time to see Bob? I sleep less.
I'm not even kidding. When I see him, I go to his place late in the evening when JJ is already asleep and I still have to usually wake up early enough to do other things like work or have a skype call. So when I spend the night at his place, I sleep like 3-5 hours those nights. Well not always, but I don't really like this pattern. I mean I don't like the fact that I feel like I have to put him at the bottom of my priority list. And it's not like anybody has told me I have to do that! It's my own mind doing that. Well maybe Bob's mind a little, too. He once said that even though he is interested in seeing me, he wants me to contact him when I feel like seeing him, because I'm the one with the husband, girlfriend and a busy life so he doesn't want to ask me. He has one LDR so he has more free time than me. So he is also contributing to the feeling of me having to put everything else before him. But I think I need to reconsider this thought pattern. He is also my friend so why shouldn't I take the time to see him like I do to my other friends?