Walking is good for thought, and I just spent some time with my thoughts on all this.
The obsession, I now realise, is made up of a lot of stuff. It is giving beyond giving. Many people know what I'm talking about, loving too much. The danger is that in giving giving giving a snapping point is reached and victim (giver) becomes persecutor. This ties to (my) primary fear of not handling things.
But the reality of M is she is not a selfish taker at all. She loves and gives generously. The reality is that my loving has become obsessive, as the primary fear (not handling it, therefore not good enough, therefore will be alone) is driving me to try and control things.
So I cook meals, compose bad poetry, think about M, talk about M, forum about M, text M, facebook M, phone M... Trying to be perfect, trying to stack up, trying to be good enough. And instead being a pain in the ass, for both of us.
Love is wonderful, love driven by fear is not love, it is obsession. Yet, on any given day I can feel love and obsession, the two have never met at the exact same time though, they are not compatible.
The image attached to my primary emotional response is like a combo of all the dark and lonely bits of my life. It drives fear into me. Fear drives the obsession to 'fix things'. To fix what? The fear of not handling things, therefore not being good enough, therefore being alone. This is the driver, it recurs like a stuck record all through this thread, it recurs in many men I know.
Why the stuck record - the revisiting of old issues, wounds? It seems the primary issues are not being resolved as I face fears in the context of what's happening with M (obsessive secondary response).
I am afraid of losing love. Whether me being good enough, her leaving, whatever. I am afraid of being alone period. I don't like it. The experience of being alone is clouded with this horrible imagery and obscuring all the wonderful happy independant times I have experienced in my life. So I'll change the thought of being alone from horrible to ok. I know I prefer having a lover, without a lover is not devastation and doom, it is transition.
The fear of not being good enough is a self esteem issue. That then, is my next target.