Obsession, I've been examining the psychology of it in the hopes to unravel it. I go through extreme pain at times, am in it now, when I don't know exactly what's going on, this is sick.
So, obsession. Let's examine how dark this shit gets, in the hope of some light.
My obsession with M is said to be a secondary emotional response, fortified by beliefs (experience and worldview), that is an attempt by the logical mind to cover up a primary emotional response.
A primary emotional response is at the heart of it. Attached to this primary emotional response is an image - a picture of the stimulus that first created this primary emotional response.
I can say right now the primary emotional response is fear. Fear that I won't handle it, that I will hurt M, or someone she is with, or myself. The image attached to this is one of despair and desolation, burned bridges, self loathing, loneliness, hopelessness, suicidal despondency. So I'm trying to protect myself from some pretty dark stuff. There's a lesson here. A dire warning. I am NOT responsible for others behaviour only my own. I can NOT control others. I CAN control myself. Trying to control things outside of my control leads to feelings of powerlessness, so I cling on tighter. Silly, let go.
Where's the obsession coming from? I'm terrified of surprises, of having something revealed to me so abhorrent I wont cope and will act innapropriately. I'm trying to protect myself, and her. I'm looking for certainty in an uncertain situation. Keeping my thoughts on what she might possibly be doing wrong I am covering the possibility that I might do something wrong (not handle it). I'm looking for ammunition to tell her to fuck off, I'm terrified of losing love so much (especially if it is my fault) I'm looking for reasons to not love. Reasons to run away. My primary response is to RUN, throw all my toys out of the cot and scream defiance at the love that was not fulfilled by my parents (and projected onto her).
So my logical brain steps in, says this is all nonsense, and love is rare and precious and must be nurtured, however, I should be careful!! And so the obsession begins, me trying to control things out of my control so that i might have risk free love - HA!
It hurts being me at times. It hurts facing such truths. Dark thoughts are only thoughts though. I am a good man, and have made many wise yet painful decisions in my life. I will not lose the plot, hurt anyone or burn my bridges. I need to shift my focus to areas I have control over. Work, career, comedy, social life, health.
I need to adress those core fears too, with TEA, scary right now, but i'll do it.