Worried my partner is going to leave
I can't stand this. My partner came out saying she was interested in having an open relationship but that she knew it would not work but she wanted me to know she wished we could have that. Well we talked a lot about it and I expressed that I had no desire to open up our relationship. So now last night she is out with friends and when she comes home she said that she had a book she wanted us to get. She said a friend suggested it would help us with our relationship. She said it was a workbook. Well when I looked it up on Amazon it turned out to be a book about how to turn a mono relationship into a poly. I told her that I didn't want to purchase that book because I didn't want that kind of relationship. She told me that love is defined by the culture you are raised in and the only reason I don't want to be poly is because I was raised to believe in monogamy. I really don't like when she does that. I feel like she dismisses my feelings. Since we've relocated all of her friends are poly. All she sees are poly couples and now she wants that. In four years she has never mentioned that to me or even thought of it as she herself admits. It wasn't until she saw that some couples have that kind of relationship that she suddenly wanted it.
I told her I couldn't say never ever. BUT that at this stage I don't want that at all. And I honestly feel that if we were to try it at this stage of our lives and relationship we would break up.
She told me that she loves me deeply and wants to be with me, she wants to grow old with me. She told me she wouldn't leave me no matter what unless I hit her or something. However, I am terrified. I keep having panic attacks.
Last night after we made love I was holding her and the thought of her leaving me hit me and I began to have a panic attack. I ended up throwing up in the bathroom. So romantic. I'm really scared she is just going to get sick of me and throw me to the side. I gave up everything to move where she wanted and I know no one here. I'll admit I'm angry that she dragged me 2,000 miles away from everything I knew and everyone I loved in order to suddenly decide she wants a totally different relationship than we have had all these years. I wish we'd never moved!