Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe
I agree with CDM - this does not sound like a healthy relationship for you at all.
There are a great number of red flags here:
Two people who allegedly care about you are basically dismissing your fears and misgivings. Per your posts, you have been repeatedly lied to and fear that if you put the brakes on that they will go behind your back and lie to you some more. Your fears and misgivings are VALID - and need to be addressed, not dismissed.
Whoa! If your boyfriend doesn't want anymore children, it is HIS responsibility as much as hers to take steps to avoid this. Decisions about birth control and condom use for STI prevention affect ALL FOUR of you. By risking an STD by having unprotected sex with her he has made a vital decision to risk your health without the consent of the other people affected (you, her boyfriend, any other sexual partners that you all have). And she LIES to her bf about taking the morning after pill to cover this up? Sounds like their relationship is on troubled grounds as well.
[COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]yes I made this point, I also made the point that if she did get pregnant what would she say to her bf, more lies? her and her bf fight a lot, they have their own rules and she doesn't respect them including not using a condom and having sex in certain places in their house, she doesn't tell him so when I talk about it as I think he knows, he gets upset....
You should never (really...NEVER) have to feel pressured into participating in or "having" to witness sexual activity that you don't want...EVER.
Some people are quite comfortable seeing their partners touching and flirting with their other partners - other people have boundaries and temporary rules based on what they are comfortable with at that point in their relationships.
[COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]the hard thing is I don't know if it seeing my bf with her or any women, I have no problem seeing him with her bf and I have no problem hearing about him having sex with another woman he has slept with...
It is often said here that people should try to "go at the pace of the slowest person". It sounds like you are trying to come to a place of comfort (you are here asking how to do just that) but they they are running rough-shod over your and her boyfriend's feelings without consideration. Yes, NRE, can make people do some pretty insensitive things BUT the response, when confronted, should be apologies and a desire to take things at a slower pace while comfort and trust forms - NOT telling the person who is suffering to "get over it". Jeesh!
[COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]we have decided that we are going to write down what our do and don't are and share them with the couple so everyone knows what they shouldn't do...
Actually, it sounds like you may want a poly relationship - you talk about your love for all of them. However, your bf's version of poly seems to be to ignore your concerns and invite her and her boyfriend right into the middle of your family over your objections. There are many ways to "do poly" (read these boards for the infinite varieties). Some people have multiple relationships that are largely independent other than the other partners knowing about each other, others do have fully integrated extended chosen families with everyone being on the same level and with everyone's consent and full approval.
I do love the idea of a poly relationship, I don't mind us having days out with them, the kids love them but the girl is bossy and she jumps to tell our children off etc before we have a chance to deal with it in our way..
It CAN be amazing - BUT "making it work" takes a lot of, well, WORK. And that doesn't mean just telling you to essentially "suck it up". It means listening to everyone and coming to agreements/arrangements that everyone is on board with. Communicating. Working at the pace of the person who is struggling the most. It doesn't mean that he gets to, dictatorially, just decide how the relationships are going to work and then tell everyone else to march to his drum.
Sounds like he would benefit from doing some reading here on "foundations" and "boundaries".