Sometimes you just have to rip off the bandaid.
Perhaps a good analogy for your first run at poly with your partner is when you realize that you forgot to shave your leg before putting on a big bandaid. You can pull it off little by little, yanking hair by hair, or you can just tear that fucker off.
I didn't want E and Sync to have PIV sex. It was too much for me, and I knew it. I was doing pretty well with him being there, being pretty well with the idea of the dyad, but the sex just made a swarm of hornets light up inside of my chest, throat and mind, stinging me into a sense of total confusion and upset. Obviously my big red shiny button! Would I have liked if he was like, "Well, you know, this is a huge step already, and I respect that boundary. I love you, there is plenty of time for that down the road, and I've pushed you so far already that I can make a concession for you." Fuck yes I would have liked that. But I am not married to that guy, and if I was, I doubt we'd even be doing poly LOL. I'm married to Elemental, who at the core of him, is willing to sacrifice my comfort to have what he wants. And so I just said fuck it.... just do it. Just rip off the bandaid and let's see where we are afterwards.
I think I actually physically felt it in my body when it happened. I was having a pretty good evening, although I was nervy/stressy in general from this whole experience, but then I just had this crazy flood of feeling. I'm a bit of a flake, and would go so far to say that I believe that E and I are connected even when we're apart. I would bet money that it's right when they had sex, and it kind of felt like my heart was breaking.
It's not like I didn't know that there would be challenges, and it's not like I just think "This is wrong, and we should stop" but I wasn't expecting it to feel like that scene in Indiana Jones where that guy is trying to rip his heart straight out of his chest. Something in me died right then, and I don't really know what part of me that was.
I needed to stop communicating with him period when I knew that sex was going to happen. Just too much. Perhaps it's just too many days in a row and that's what is so tough. Perhaps it's just the process that has to happen as we unfold. But holy fuck, it's a buffet of shitty emotions, and my plate has been piled high over the past couple of days.
I have been surrounding myself with people that I love though, have been connecting deeply with friends, sharing my struggles and receiving a lot of compassion and support. I'm often the one in that seat - offering support, being strong and someone that people can turn to - it's nice to be able to be on the other end of that, and see what wonderful friends I have around me. I couldn't sleep last night, and had Ranger keep me company through txt - he knew without me even saying much that I was in a really dangerous place emotionally, and was just a solid rock for me. I am so impressed with the way that he approaches life, and how he managed his own wife opening up their relationship. He had a lot of kind words and good ideas for getting through this time. My girlfriends were over pretty late, long talk on the phone with another girlfriend, txting with Mischief, my girlfriend that I had dinner with the other night... still had that hollow feeling of upset in me, but no chance to wallow in it.
I told E. that he was dead to me until Sunday. That I needed to just forget that he existed and move through what was happening. It's just too difficult to be txting with him and dealing with this at the same time.
I have to believe that it will get easier - that this is just a time of transition, and that we are capable of surviving and thriving in poly. I have to believe that this is FOR something and not against something, but in moments of total meltdown like yesterday I just get lost. My stomach has been super queasy from the stress and I've been exercising like a fiend to burn off the energy. My intention statement has gotten so much play that I have pretty much memorized it. I am doing what I need to do to get through, and hope that my upset hasn't pulled E away from this experience that he wanted with Sync. I worry about that - it's why I wanted to stop txting with him - he should just be able to be there, without me being there too, you know? I signed up for this, now I have to deal with what's happening - don't want to suck him into that experience.
Feeling pretty frustrated with my own process, but I have to love myself and accept it even though it's tough. I can, and I will get through this - a fair kick at the can before I make any kind of decisions about the viability of this long term, and certainly am not even going to consider making any kind of decisions when I'm feeling emotional. Obviously we are both into sexual adventurism, and have an easy time loving other people - but is it worth feeling this way? I don't know.... again, I have to trust that it will get easier the more that I go through it - like desensitizing myself or something. But do I want to desensitize this part of my heart? Le fuck. NO DECISIONS. Just be with it. Be with it, own it, experience it and let it go.... time for another run and some yoga - external calm and routine will hopefully bring my internal world back into balance for another chunk of time.