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Old 06-02-2012, 07:23 PM
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KitWalker KitWalker is offline
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 27

Originally Posted by mostlyclueless View Post
I find myself getting irritated at the posts about opening up a marriage. It seems wildly dishonest to me to enter into a monogamous relationship, sign a contract saying you'll do that forever, co-mingle your lives in a way that makes it very difficult to extricate yourself, and then tell your spouse you want to change the rules.
A couple of things right out of the gate here.

I don't recall signing any such contract when we got married. Is this a local thing? The marriage license and the marriage certificate only state the names of the parties and declare them to be husband and wife. The application we signed only required us to provide identifying information and to certify we aren't lying. Nothing about monogamy. Now, the law does say we can't MARRY an additional person, which means we can't file another application and get another certificate, but it says nothing about what our relationship should be.

Even before we got the paperwork, we have always known and agreed that the piece of paper isn't what makes a marriage. We are married because we agree on that and behave accordingly. This is evidenced by the multitude of cheating spouses - the paper certainly doesn't stop them.

Now, we also had a church wedding. The exact vow we took was ""I take you as my wedded wife/husband, and I promise you love, honor, and respect; to be faithful to you; and not to forsake you until death do us part"

When our relationship changed and someone else entered we still fulfilled the conditions. I love, honor and respect her, she loves, honors and respects me. We have not forsaken each other and have no plans to do so.

As to the "faithful" part, that is something we had lengthy discussions on. We thought about what that means to us, and, luckily, we came up with matching definitions. It's about trust and honesty. Faith and trust are synonyms.

Originally Posted by mostlyclueless View Post
Are these people really blindsided by their desire not to be monogamous? It never occurred to them before they got married? It seems more likely to me they always had a hunch, and didn't bring it up until all the contract signing was done so their spouse was more likely to try to put up with it.
Personally, I haven't given it much thought until we met our girl. I never had an explicitly articulated "desire not to be monogamous". It's just that one day I realized I also love this other person as well. Surprised the hell out of me.

One thing I've learned lately is that love doesn't work the same for everyone. So, my experience may not be transferable. People may have had this desire and ignored it, or hid it because they haven't come to terms with it. Or they might have hoped it would go away, or thought it was just a phase. Who knows.

Also, people do change. Neither me nor my wife are the same people we were when we got married. This is probably a good thing, since I would call a lot of our changes growth. (One caveat here - this in no way validates the idea some people have that they can change their partner. There are many factors in how people change and only a tiny minority of them are external.)
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