JaneQ- Thank you for your insights! Although I don't think that differing sex drives/love languages is in effect here, I like that insight. I hadn't stopped to think about my need for physical affection as a love language. It makes a lot of sense and makes me feel less needy.
My husband and I have never had issues with sex before my son was born, 3 years ago. We were both very interested in sex with each other, even after the birth of my daughter 2 years before that. I think that our lack of sex is a symptom of a larger issue, ie our love morphing into something more familial-ish and less passionate. I would be fine staying in this marriage as it is, but I feel that it would be selfish of me. I am gone 3 nights of the week, i work all day and then I even come home to work on my business. My husband and I get one night together, at best. I don't have sex with him (although I get plenty of awesome love making with my beau). What kind of marriage is that for him? He hasn't put any energy into finding a girlfriend. He is interested, but not driven to find love outside of our marriage. He is too embarrassed to admit he is poly to his crushes. As much as it would soothe me to know he is getting loving on the side, I respect that he just isn't ready for that like I was a year ago.
He keeps telling me that he is happy, although he admits that he would like to have sex more and see me more. To me, this spells passive discontent, he isn't happy but would rather ignore the problems in fear of making things worse. From everything that I have read, this is the breeding ground for divorce. If it were just us two, no children, divorce might have happened by now. But I really don't want to split the family up even more than it already is (as I am gone half the week). I think that is my major reason for staying married. I relish the thought of a trial separation, but I understand that there is much more thought to go into something like that, much more talking that needs to happen between my husband and me.
I am going to talk to him tonight, which is sometimes like pulling teeth. He used to open up to me about everything, but since poly he is shut so tight, he admits that he doesn't even know what he feels half the time. Larger issues than sex drive, right? I think I have caught it before it became hopeless, but there is still a long road until I will know anything.
I never thought it would come to this point.
Have courage to continue this journey, for it holds nothing but lessons and wonders.