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Old 06-02-2012, 06:35 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Well, I'm in it. No sleep, putting my mind to that place of imagining them together and what transpired that they got to this place. Wondering what the hell he sees in her. Feeling the loss of something I was finally understanding and relying on to be my future (everything that comes with a monogamous partner).

The world is not ending, but changing. I went from understanding that my boyfriend was attached only to me and only wanted to be close to me to attempting to understand that he is now pinning for a woman that he has decided he should not see right now because I will be upset. When he talks about it there is sadness in his eyes that I can't help thinking is that he is not able to see her and swoon over her. He says that it isn't and that he is sad because he has hurt me and dragged her into something she didn't sign up for, but I struggle with believing anything he says now.

The precious feeling I had for three and a half years of unique specialness is gone I think. My man has turned his head and heart from me and has doubted what we have. He's gone to that place of believing he could have other opportunities elsewhere that don't involve me. Why is that so hard for me to swallow? I think there are just some people that come into life that are meant to hold a spot of crazy attachment that keeps us from feeling alone. Mono was it for me. Now I just feel hollow and alone. I hope eventually I will feel grounded in that at least so that I can feel okay about him seeing others he is attached to.

His thoughts on this might follow one day. He has a whole other take on this than me. A whole other side that I don't understand. I have lost a lot of sleep trying to understand and put my brain into how he sees things. I am so not like him in terms of love style and relationship satisfaction. He is fine with going out for coffee with her now and then, being a friend and removing himself from creating anything more in his mind about what they could have. I find it hard to understand that he won't go through something similar to me and Leo. I feel like he is making a compromise now as I did with Leo being in my life. He says that isn't the case, but its hard for me to understand.

The texting has stopped for a bit, but I suspect he was addicted to hearing from her. I suspect she is hurting over not hearing from him also. He texted her a lot. I didn't ask for them to stop, but did ask to know when she texted and what was going on. That put an end to texting at all and now I wonder just what it was they were texting that he doesn't feel comfortable sharing. Gaud the brain plays tricks! Its not my business, yet I obsess over those sort of things! It is likely nothing that big even!

I am trying to put myself in everyones shoes and feel what they might be feeling. Trying to go from there with accomplishing some sort of understanding and stability again. I talked with PN about it and he reminded me that I went through this same thing with his past girlfriends. I remember, I wasn't stellar at this then, so I aim to be better this time and take what I have learned. PN had some judgment over me being in this situation also. After all he has felt as I do now about new people coming into my life. We all go through this stuff. We are all human and we all go through the same feelings, just at different times in life.

Derby has been a great support. I feel like our relationship is based on her supporting me this last 6 months. It doesn't seem fair to me or balanced. I do hope that I get the chance to support her and that she feels supported by me sometimes. I have been staying away a bit so as to not overwhelm her with this. I think I was pretty overwhelming with my break up with Leo. Look where it got me.... a boyfriend that went elsewhere to find what he needed... (actually Mono doesn't see it like that and says it just happened, he was detached from me and it just happened... thing is that he detached because of me going through a break up ).

I am seeing my new friend in an hour. He will be a breath of fresh air I think. I soooo need that. We are going to talk about guinea pig hutches, drink coffee and catch up. A diversion that is well needed and appreciated.

I met my other new friends wife last night. He invited me out to coffee after their date night ended. We had a long deep chat about kids, relationships, philosophies of life and values. It seems we got on well! I was completely not present through the whole thing due to my home life, so I am glad that I came across okay. Next time I hope to be a little more present and feel the moment.
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Last edited by redpepper; 06-05-2012 at 02:21 AM.
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