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Old 06-02-2012, 02:55 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,745

I agree with CDM - this does not sound like a healthy relationship for you at all.

There are a great number of red flags here:

Originally Posted by jones
my bf says its in the past and I need to get over and I need to forgive him and forget about it. the girl says I need to be happy etc but she knows that I am uncomfortable with her doing certain things but she doesn't stop
Two people who allegedly care about you are basically dismissing your fears and misgivings. Per your posts, you have been repeatedly lied to and fear that if you put the brakes on that they will go behind your back and lie to you some more. Your fears and misgivings are VALID - and need to be addressed, not dismissed.

Originally Posted by jones
my bf doesn't want anymore children but she risked getting pregnant with his child, they didn't use a condom and she had to take the pill and didn't tell her bf in order to protect her relationship with my bf and now her bf thinks she miscarried
Whoa! If your boyfriend doesn't want anymore children, it is HIS responsibility as much as hers to take steps to avoid this. Decisions about birth control and condom use for STI prevention affect ALL FOUR of you. By risking an STD by having unprotected sex with her he has made a vital decision to risk your health without the consent of the other people affected (you, her boyfriend, any other sexual partners that you all have). And she LIES to her bf about taking the morning after pill to cover this up? Sounds like their relationship is on troubled grounds as well.

Originally Posted by jones
I don't want to see her or have joint sessions where I have to watch them have sex
Originally Posted by jones
sometimes I want to hang out as friends but j and my bf make me feel uncomfortable by talking sexually or touching her or she touches him
You should never (really...NEVER) have to feel pressured into participating in or "having" to witness sexual activity that you don't want...EVER.

Some people are quite comfortable seeing their partners touching and flirting with their other partners - other people have boundaries and temporary rules based on what they are comfortable with at that point in their relationships.

It is often said here that people should try to "go at the pace of the slowest person". It sounds like you are trying to come to a place of comfort (you are here asking how to do just that) but they they are running rough-shod over your and her boyfriend's feelings without consideration. Yes, NRE, can make people do some pretty insensitive things BUT the response, when confronted, should be apologies and a desire to take things at a slower pace while comfort and trust forms - NOT telling the person who is suffering to "get over it". Jeesh!

Originally Posted by jones
(a string of things from different posts) I told my bf that I loved them and I was scared about telling them, I told the girl two days after my bf told her (but I didn't know at the time) and told the guy a few days later...its so hard because I love her too but sometimes I hate s so hard cos I love them all.... I do feel like it was decided for me and as much as I love them all. I have my bf of nine years and our children and now it feels like they are trying to get in, they see my children as well and we have days out, I just want time just for us but my bf invites j and b to everything
Originally Posted by jones
we talked about it but I don't want a ploy relationship as such, whenever we talk about days out, he invites them or holidays, he says he wants them to come, it feels like we have lost our small family unit... we have been together nearly ten years but he compares them in the same light as me and I wish I was more important
Actually, it sounds like you may want a poly relationship - you talk about your love for all of them. However, your bf's version of poly seems to be to ignore your concerns and invite her and her boyfriend right into the middle of your family over your objections. There are many ways to "do poly" (read these boards for the infinite varieties). Some people have multiple relationships that are largely independent other than the other partners knowing about each other, others do have fully integrated extended chosen families with everyone being on the same level and with everyone's consent and full approval.

Originally Posted by jones
my bf says if we can make it work it can be amazing
It CAN be amazing - BUT "making it work" takes a lot of, well, WORK. And that doesn't mean just telling you to essentially "suck it up". It means listening to everyone and coming to agreements/arrangements that everyone is on board with. Communicating. Working at the pace of the person who is struggling the most. It doesn't mean that he gets to, dictatorially, just decide how the relationships are going to work and then tell everyone else to march to his drum.

Sounds like he would benefit from doing some reading here on "foundations" and "boundaries".
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (5+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic girlfriend and BFF
Lotus: "it's complicated"
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 06-02-2012 at 02:58 PM.
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