Thank you for the excellent feedback. It feels strange baring myself like this, but other members have done the same and helped me. Also, although sharing my thoughts is honesty, when the thoughts are exposed they are often absolute rubbish
- the 'honesty' is falsified.
SO, which way is up?
I am so much better today than I have been in a long time. I'm almost myself again. Here I am sitting in my skin and enjoying my own company (and thoughts), I'm thinking about things I want to do (most of the time), and am producing a good deal of good work. I am concerned with issues of my own, exams, fitness, bad habits, stage work, raising finance. M is probably asleep right now amid a sprawl of 20 something bodies after a class party. Good for her, it's great blowing off steam, and cutting loose is hard to do in the presense of your partner. A part of me wants to complain, the part that tries to protect me and just drives me insane with worry and jealousy.
Thoughts: M got drunk and fucked someone last night, therefore, what we have is broken.
Errors: Jumping to conclusions. Ignoring the positive. And emotional blocking - a common error I have recognised in myself which I will now call - pity party - in which emotions are allowed to compromise my wellbeing and productivity - it is my faulty old self defense/warning system from faulty thinking. So!...
Analysis: I am jumping to conclusions, and even if M hooked up a drunk fuck, I am not losing her, or her love, the great sex, the friendship, none of it, unless I choose to be upset and think it's all about me
and make her so miserable, and me so miserable, for what? Drunk sex? We're all human, just love her, besides, if she did, she'll beat herself up enough for both of us.
What we have is awesome, so awesome in fact that I have allowed myself to ignore so many other great things in my life and have limited myself severely in the process (and blamed M for my pity party). But life, love, happiness, and enjoyment need not have some kind of limit imposed on them. With balance each aspect of life might accentuate the other, with love for myself my love for life and others in it grows.
I am more afraid of an affair. Hah! There already is one, always has been. Thoughts old and tired. Polyamory means love is not limited, her love for others does not diminish her love for me.