For someone so surrounded I feel so alone sometimes. My friend and I thought that this might be a middle age thing. It used to be easy to just talk to anyone and let it all out, but I find that harder and harder to do. There doesn't seem to be anyone that understands entirely, or is willing to be there entirely. I seem to have half relationships all over the place because people don't talk to me, don't express their inner selves. As a result I find it hard to let myself bond and continue attachments myself. Its a chicken and the egg thing.
Last week was glorious, this one, not so much. I'm bored out of my mind at work so I chat all day to various people and wait out whatever it is I am waiting out. I think its been the comfort and security of knowing that my relationships with Mono, PN and derby are okay before launching into exploring new ones. There seems to be this veil of something is not right in my world and I have been holding back, feeling alone and not moving in closer to anyone. It feels contrived when I try to do so.
Yesterday it was revealed that there is stuff going on. Interestingly its come about because of the cycle of which I spoke in the first paragraph. Lack of open honest communication has lead to distancing which has lead to feeling alone for people and me and then stuff happens and there is a breaking point. Now I feel alone and untrustworthy in the eyes of this person when they always said they trust me most of all.
I feel the same as I did when Leo broke up with me. Hollow, sick to my stomach, and utterly alone. I tried to reach out again, push for communication of any kind as to what was happening to keep bonds strong. There is nothing I can do when someone decides that they are not willing to be there with me.
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