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Old 05-31-2012, 08:33 PM
Questioning Questioning is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 52

That's good food for thought Kevin.

The TEA has created rapid changes in my thinking, and subsequently feelings, again. I have made an appointment to see a counsellor to join a CBT group she might set me up with. CBT is the umbrella TEA belongs to. The stuff is working so well for me, I am intrigued, and would like to learn what other tools I might employ. TEA seems to allow me to face truths as I unravel layers of (rubbish) thoughts that obscure them. I think my resistance to continuing TEA may be a fear of change? Fear of no more excuses and gotta get off my butt and get on with it - no more pity party

I believe what I do (thinking) has a lot to do with time. I go time travelling in my head to solve problems... I think this is my broken self defense mechanism: I allow a portion of my past over which I had no real control (childhood, and later, jail) to dictate how I percieve the events of the present (powerless) and possible futures (powerless).

Of course, this is utter nonsense!

If I haven't shared the jail bit yet, I was a wild youth till 24. Kept getting caught for cannabis, got locked up with some real assholes. No butt rape just attacked a few times. Jail is soul destroying and for cannabis charges plain wrong. Long time ago, it wasn't all bad, and I'm ok

The trick to success (peace of mind in my case) in the face of adversity, is to just have the best day I can, one day at a time, wherever I was at. In that manner I am not powerless. When they locked me up I did what I could do. I wrote a book; got fit; learned to boil water for tea using a plastic spoon and some wire, and how to smuggle weed in my butt

The best I can do, one day at a time took me from unemployed ex con to stage and television work, travel, mates so talented you'd have heard of some of them, and now science, and coming into post graduate studies in ecology (love it!). I do have control, I am doing real well, now to become an expert in the ways of unconditional love - with boundaries hehe.

I have been feeling powerless as obsession renders me powerless, my thoughts preoccupied with M make me largely incapable of seeing the rest of the awesomeness that is my life, including her participation in it. Blinded by bullshit thinking and feeling powerless I try to control things out of my control.

M is a wonderful addition to my life and I to hers. The future cannot be foretold. The past is done. I can use bad experiences to interpret today or I can draw on the strength of character I have displayed again and again throughout my life. I am surrounded by love and wisdom, including here in this forum. I am not and need never be alone.
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