Boundaries - Texting/Sexting
Hubby and I have very differing opinions on this subject & have for years. Texting has caused conflict because of differing views.
I have at times requested Hubby limit or eliminate texting during specific times such as when we're doing something special with our daughter, dinner with parents or other times that are limited to a short period of time. Short periods we seem to both be on the same page about. We both use our phones frequently so its not an issue of constantly putting limits. Hubby doesn't always seem to find it reasonable to limit for longer periods of time such as full days.
Another aspect is that I also care about the type of conversation taking place. I have learned quite a bit & found very enlightening advice here and so I kinda of suspect this may be an area I will hear some differing perspectives from my own which I welcome. What I mean by types is there are times that quick general "Hey there, hope you have a great day" wouldn't be an issue necessarily but sexting is not something I care for. Hubby's view is they are his conversations so the context of what is discussed between sexting to general hello's is irrelevant. (as a side note because Hubby & began in the swinging culture there has always been a easy transparency which we have continued despite our change in depth of relationship we seek. We don't share every detail but it's not uncommon to volunteer information ie: "How are things going with x today?" and the response being "Good. X is hanging out with family & not having fun." or "Great! Lots of sexy flirting." etc...)
Please before developing or sharing opinion allow me to share the details that shape this view for me with the following example.
I had an appointment for consultation with a surgeon today for a very invasive surgery. Hubby was texting while waiting for appointment with a woman he's just recently began conversing with (not an established relationship that needs daily nurturing). I shared with Hubby that I needed him to take a break from texting today (especially sexting - I made this specification because I knew a couple we do have a relationship with would be texting to share their well wishes & inquiring about how things went & didn't want to mean he couldn't respond to those along with the family that would be inquiring). This surgery is very scary & there are other things we needed to sort out as well financially as well as scheduling, dealing with work etc... Because of how much we had on our plate I needed him to be 100% here. I just wanted to close ranks for a day during a vulnerable time & tomorrow we could face what was coming and go about our lives as normal.
Hubby said he could facilitate my request. He did text to schedule a haircut (she's a stylist) which I was ok with. But then I found out this evening he had been sexting with her all day. I'm upset that not only did he agree and not honor (honestly though on this stressful day he could have felt comfortable saying he wasn't in agreement) but while we were talking about the risks of having my head cut open he was telling another woman how much he had been thinking about her & couldn't wait to go down on her. I'm hurt. is it asking for to much to leave outside interests be for one day? I don't know why exactly but the sexting part kind of bothers more than general conversation would have.
I know Hubby cares very much about what we're facing. I know he is extremely stressed. He finds playful & sometimes sexually explicit banter a stress reliever. He really doesn't understand what the big deal is. But for me - on days like this it's very important to me. I foresee this may cause further conflict, because Hubby does find it a stress reliever, if he is sharing sexy banter while I am in the hospital (I don't expect at all he would day of surgery - he's going to be a mess. But in the 3-4 days he will likely want to).
My surgery is next week. Friday he's going to see her for his haircut & evidently more. Now it's not just about the texting. I'm annoyed and now I'm annoyed he's seeing her. Maybe because he scheduled it today when I asked him to let things go. Maybe because I'm annoyed he's wanting to get together with new partners now - like it's so urgent during a time I want nothing more than to cocoon up & prepare mentally. Lots of raw emotions here.
I really have changed a lot of my perspectives from these forums. It would be great to see if I need to look at this a different way and not take so personally.
Edited to add...
I think part of the reason I wanted the whole day vs just during the appointment was because this was first visit with surgery and we had to decide - decide if brain surgery was the route we wanted to take. It was a day of reading the literature the dr provided, talking about pros & cons - making a huge decision. I thought it a day that deserved his full attention.
Another edit... (cut this part down because was getting too lengthy. Sorry if you read while I was editing)
One of the original responses said something about the circumstances amplifying things. I think that's another underlying element here. Hubby and I have not had a lot of experience seeing partners on separate nights. Emotionally because things do feel amplified I'm not keen on deal with any jealousy feelings or feeling left out. I just don't have the energy to do the work right now. The appointment is at her home so with agreed interest the option is there.
Last edited by PolyCurious4; 05-31-2012 at 02:10 PM.