The polyamorous physicist
I'm not really a guy who has ever had trouble talking about his feelings. At least, I never thought of myself that way until the last year or two when I realized that I've always been suppressing the fact that I'm poly. I guess the problem was that I never realized that it was okay for someone to BE poly. Monogamy was simply "the way of things", and I never thought to question it.
My 'discovery' of poly all started with a conversation between my partner and I regarding our fantasies. Among other things, I mentioned a (rather stereotypically male) interest in threesomes. She took this to mean that I wanted an MFF threesome and she was clearly uninterested. In defense of her position she said "How would it make you feel to see me with another guy?"
My answer was a bit of an epiphani for me. I realized that I rather liked the idea, assuming it made her happy. I haven't been a jealous guy since high school, but I suppose that I haven't dated someone in the meantime who gave me much reason to be jealous. So when I actually sat down to think about it, I discovered that I don't have as much of the green-eyed monster in me as I might have thought.
This isn't to suggest that I would be immune to betrayal. Walking in on my partner with another guy (or girl) would be devastating. Not because of the sex, but because of the lie. I've always prized honesty, and this only seems to increase as I get older.
I've been a serial monogamist for my entire dating life. I love forming new relationships, and they tend to quickly blossom into strong, attached-at-the-hip LTRs. Through all that time though, I've always had other people I was interested in. Half-formed slightly-more-than-friends relationships with people other than my partner. Not physical relationships, mind you; Cheating isn't for me, so these relationships always remained half-formed. They were beyond friendship though, and I've always been frustrated by their limitations, while feeling guilty about their existence.
With my current partner though things are different. In the three and a half years we've been together there have been no half-formed relationships-on-the-side. She's got me completely smitten. I don't think she has any idea how much I adore her.
But I miss those little half-formed relationships, frustrating and guilt-inducing as they were. After the epiphanic conversation about fantasies, we began talking more openly about poly as a whole. So my incredible fiance has let me open up. I finally get to form these relationships without guilt and without secrets. I couldn't be more excited.
She's not comfortable with these relationships becoming sexual, or even physical, at least for now. I'm surprised by how little that restriction bothers me. While a physical connection would be nice, it's the emotional connection that I crave. I'm just ecstatic to be able to be honest about this part of myself.
I can't talk about this with any of my friends and family. I don't think they would understand. So my fiance is my only outlet, and supportive as she is, she's still coming to terms with all of it. I need to be gentle. But I'm on top of the world, and I needed to tell someone. So... here it is.
Thank you all for providing a venue that makes that possible.