I can't say that I was expecting that.... last night Ranger txted me asking if I could chat. It seems that he may have WAY overbooked himself this weekend, and has some pretty intense family responsibilities to meet. Him and his wife have not been getting quality time, and he (ridiculously) decided to jam a night with me in the middle of a date night with his wife and two family orientated days. Having been away for four days this weekend for a music festival has left him frazzled, with a tough condensed work week ahead of him. This means that I'd be getting a scattered, pressured, unfocused and exhausted version of him for our first tryst, and it's hardly the ideal for both of us.
Of course, I offered to cancel our date night. It took him just shy of an hour to even get to this point in the conversation - he felt so shitty for having selfishly overbooked in his desire to have time with me. His family is the first priority for me, and I have no interest in creating pressure or stress for him - we both have enough of that in our regular work-a-day world, and I want to be careful about the intention that we set for our time together. I am fully cognizant of the fact that our schedules do not jive easily, and that both of us are extremely active and busy people on the whole with little time for trysts. That being said, even with the cancellation of our evening together, I still want to be with him on whatever level it unfolds.
I have to say though that it puts me in an awkward position in regards to this weekend. I am feeling kinda ass-flappy-in-the-wind at this point. Obviously I am a big girl, and will find something else to do with my Saturday night, but my very pleasant distraction has evaporated into thin air, and I know that it's going to effect me emotionally. It's okay - I have been through experiences not unlike this in the past and have come out just fine on the other side, but it's not easy.
It's hard for me because E and I are so close - we're around each other a lot, and tend towards overprocessing. He can sense that I am having difficulty, and we keep having these circular conversations. In some ways I feel like the relationship with Sync and E continues to grow in intensity despite the feelings of discomfort that it's creating in our relationship; I keep coming up against things that are super challenging for me - insecurity, alienation, loneliness and anger are definitely at the top of the list. Everytime that Sync and I talk we seem to uncover a whole new slough of differences between us, and in the way that we view and process the world. Everytime I get off the phone with her I am left with a feeling of "This is not the woman for me." It's not a very great place to be - and it's certainly not very fun for Elemental who is trying to be a good partner to me while being back in NRE with Sync. Le fuck - the poly rollercoaster is sure doing some loop-de-loops for me.
I am determined though - to get through this weekend - to not put the brakes on because it's not easy for me, or because it's unequal in that I don't have a lover to be with at the same time. I keep trying to wrap my head around what it WILL feel like, instead of what it feels like now - that it will get easier, and that we will find our way. It's hard though, because E has a tendency to move to a place of action from emotion, and it's NOT what I need right now - I don't need to waver back and forth between extremes, I just need to get through this with us in one piece and try to keep the drama to a minimum.
I know I'm not always the easiest partner, but my heart is in the right place and I know that I want what is best for our marriage, and I believe that this includes poly for E. I'm not sure what it means for me - I am excited by the men that I have found, and am open to exploring what that means to me, but I think that I have much lower expectations of commitment and emotional intensity from my relationship with them than Sync and E do with each other. Maybe this is just fine - maybe it won't matter in a few weeks right now, but it's a strange reality to be rolling around in my head/heart at present, and I'm getting worn out with the swarm of bees that seems to have set up a hive in my chest these days.
And so I keep trying to maintain a relationship with Sync, keep finding ways to be supportive of their relationship and work on managing my own feelings and thoughts. Life coaching tonight, I think I might go away for Saturday night still with friends - am going to see what I can rustle up plan wise over the next couple of nights. I've also been emailing with a couple from an offhanded ad that I put up at E's suggestion at the beginning of this process, so I suppose I could always go on a date with them and see where that leads.... confusing! Le fuck!
Just gunna keep on keepin' on. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it LOL. I'd rather be doing this hard work than either of us feeling constricted in our love with each other, and I'd rather figure out how poly fits for both of us in a way that makes us both feel safe and happy instead of at odds with everything off and on all the time. Being a newbie at anything kind of sucks, but I guess you have to find joy in learning and the process of finding your own way. Nobody wakes up and knows how to play piano concertos - you have to do scales, fuck up royally all the time, and play some songs that you don't really like at all so that you can become a beautiful, talented player. I feel like that right now - like I'm resentful of my tricycle, and just want to ride down the fuckin' mountain already. When I get glimpses of that reality I get so excited, but then.... then I realize that I'm still on a tricycle, ringing my little mickey mouse bell and playing with my handlebar streamers... LOL.
Glad that I have a place to post where there are people that are navigating the same roads that we're heading down. Feels good to know that I'm not alone in any of this, and that our story will connect with others in some way.
Last edited by BaggagePatrol; 05-30-2012 at 06:27 PM.