have had massive wind & hail storms here last night and this morning. and Z just spent his entire memorial day weekend plus leveling and grass-seeding his yard. ugh.
i can hear the hail hitting the roof and porch this morning as i type....last night it was golf-ball sized, this morning probably more like quarter-sized....and hey, it's june. ah well. that's life in the bible-belt-buckle.
after long and somewhat progressive/productive talks a couple of weeks ago, J has mostly gone radio silent again. he was happy that we were spending more time together, but when he realized that i "could share," he's again withdrawn. mono and low self-esteem are in his genes. (that's not a summarizing statement of who he is, but of the situation as it stands.)
and i feel myself glad that Z is taking time to himself during his week-long vacation from work. recently i find (again) that i make a lot of personal and daily decisions based upon what i think he needs, wants, and likes - OVERriding my own. it's my subconscious trying to play Wifey out of boredom, stagnation, habit... but i've had a couple dreams in the past few weeks that tell me it wants to do otherwise - very subtle and sensual dreams about a classically "tall, dark & handsome" man whom i don't know well (not a fictional character), who has equally subtly expressed interest some time back.
i seem to fall in lust, get close, the love & caring comes on, then eventually i'm TOO close, and the desire disappears while the caring & tenderness often intensifies. and then i find i'm trying to spoon-feed the once-object of my desire like an infant. it's like the nurturing mother-instinct takes over and the wolf fades to the background. i don't know if it's from a desire not to hurt or be hurt....but it sucks. i need to learn to maintain a healthy, encouraging, and mutually self-sufficient distance.
and now an old interest pops up....Shade.
M has been more or less my type. beautiful big man, beautiful voice. and wicked-funky bassist. (yup, i luv the ones who can hold down the bottom end in their sleep.) we had a whirlwind emotional fling a few years back while i was seeing J that Phariseeically (yes, my own term) pounded the edges of the definition of physical sex on all sides while remaining "innocent" (yeah right) because we practically did everything *except* fuck.
Shade was in love with me then. i was in love with J, and while adoring Shade and the attention and validation he showered me with (he cooks, hosts, loves, drinks, makes music, works, and does the father-thing all with great gusto and lust for life), *needed* J and his introverted, vid-game-geeking, clinically depressed, negativistic, cynical, sweet ass so much that i could and would not leave him, for myself or another man. so, understandably, Shade and i both got tired of playing that game and running that spiral-in/pull-back gauntlet several nights a week, and he finally made the outright move to cut it off. wisely.
since then, massive change in both our lives, and now we have reconnected purely as friends.
i realize in seeing him last week that simply the thought of being IN love (or even NRE) nearly disgusts me at this point. all the time i spend trying to caretake for men anyway...i can't imagine thinking about someone else all damn day or baking his favorite oatmeal cookies every time i think i'm going to see him.
i went and re-read the "solo poly" section of Tristan Taormino's "Opening Up" last night before bed...it's so settling and reassuring to reorient myself that way. i am one who can lose myself in a partner's needs, directions, desires - become nearly totally saturated and assimilated...and seriously lose myself in the process, waking up some morning in the future feeling totally flatlined and disoriented from my own life.
Z LOVES the way i often dote on and take care of him, as i fall into the habit of doing, but he's only vaguely aware of the fact that it's often more the habit than the desire of "playing wife". and i feed off his grateful response, which can be beautiful if intention is pure, but can be very "trapping" and habit-reinforcing otherwise. ugh.
my want and inclinations to practice poly have as much to do with figuring out (and loving) myself and all that's going on in the deep, dark, entangled inside of a human as it does loving the beauty of other humana in my circles....