Originally Posted by nycindie
"Is this relationship, as it is right now, good for me?" [If yes, great; if not, then why not? What would have to change?]
"Am I able to freely express who I am and what I'm about in this relationship?"
"Am I able to get what I need from this relationship?" [If you are, great; if not, then how can you make sure you do get what you want?]
"Why did I agree to a polyamorous arrangement?"
"How will polyamory benefit me?"
"What are the pros and cons of this polyamorous situation, for me?"[/INDENT]
- Yes, I believe (so far) that I am making a good choice in "going" polyamorous
- I am free to express it, but the reaction (albeit not necessarily an argumentative one) is often of upset. As mentioned my partner is not a great communicator and feels very burdened by all the constant discussions on feelings/wants/needs/etc
- So far I am, yes. However, there are things I want in the future which I still fear my partner won't give to me. This is naturally not a result of poly, rather of his character and was already present when we were monogamous.
- Ha, that's a good question. To this day I am still not sure if it was merely because "breaking up is hard to do" or because I truly and deeply believe that polyamory could be the thing for me. As mentioned earlier, this wasn't my idea of how our relationship was/should develop. This said I have been having fun and till now we are making it work, despite the bumps on the road.
- Well, it will benefit me inasmuch as 1. I am free to explore my sexuality and perhaps even my own boundaries vis a vis loving someone/more than one person, and 2. my partner has expressed the sentiment that now that he is free to pursuit sexual and caring relationships with other people too he truly feels he can cope with the domesticity that our relationship (and the future we envision for it - i.e.: housing, children, etc) entails. Is the latter a benefit or a compromise (I open the relationship, he commits fully)? Ideas on this point are welcome.
- The pros are above. The cons are the jealousy, the fear of abandonment that is still prevalent, the fear of STD's, my craving for a domestic life which could perhaps be jeopardized by someone else's wish to do the same with him (again, my fears that I am not a/the priority come into play), etc - are these the symptoms of all poly newbies? Are they signs? Again, insight welcome.
P.S.: How important in a polyamorous relationship is fluid bonding
(besides the health question, obviously)? My partner and his lover have been doing it recently and I got a bit upset. I wasn't sure if this was just my concerns about health and safety or if it was mostly my reaction to them doing it after only seeing each other for a couple of months. I'm alright with it now - we are all getting tested and he has assured me that for him this is not a big deal - but I still wonder about it every once in a while. Is this a totally subjective matter?