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Old 05-29-2012, 05:32 AM
Questioning Questioning is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 52
Red face

Thanks Kevin

Yes stress and workload have certainly played their part, and luckily this has been acknowledged by both parties.

Today we got an hour or so and got to talk. I still get to see her but I'm in the dogbox. There's only so much of a stupid behaviour one can take, and so I have been challenged, and she is correct:

a) I am too intense

b) I need to stop obsessing over her and take control of my life.

Both are fair. I find it very hard not to obsess over M. I am head over heels but it's worse than that, I'm also constantly thinking of her, analysing what she says (not what I'm thinking eg TEA), and I get frantic with worry when I've not seen her for a few days.

Not good.

The steps I've taken to get a life of my own (activities not including M) are positive, but slow moving. Am getting back on stage, which also gives me a social life and fun circle to hang out with. Am getting a vehicle (not immediately but soon) so I can go visit, go do shows, generally stop sitting here hoping M will arrive.

Obsession, I hate it. Anyone with experience in removing the obsession and retaining the love? I'll keep doing TEA, I was getting better, right now I'm a bit insecure, unsure, afraid.


Thoughts: I can't stop obsessing.

Errors: Extreme thinking. Jumping to conclusions.

Analysis/rant: If I stopped obsessing I would actually be a lot happier than when I am. Obsessive thoughts are poison, they freeze me out of activities I should be doing, and self perpetuate paranoia and falsities. I think I obsess as I feel I have no control (correct) over M, and when I am angsty she pushes me away, then i get worse, she gets worse, stupid circle! As I am the one who is into all this analysis, and have seen where this destructive behaviour gets me, I am the one who needs to change, and this will break the whole cycle.

I am so afraid of going back to the dark despair I felt in the past that I obsess over avoiding it, and nearly bring it upon myself in the process. I can stop obsessing over M by replacing that wasted time with things that truly make me happy (M not included). Getting on stage and being funny, getting on stage and reading (funny) poems. Going to parties with friends and getting liquored up. Hiking, weight training... I can also stop obsessing by regularly (DAILY) TEA exercises to work some of the madness out. This exercise exposes madness to the light of day, and when it is identified as rubbish, has much less power over me.

My obsession is me trying to avoid pain, and it is backfiring. I can stop obsessing, it is a matter of self preservation to do so.
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