Originally Posted by redpepper
I wonder how much of this has to do with him being military. I am with a military man and that whole stupid bossing people around, control, higher command bullshit drives me crazy. I don't tolerate it myself, but then I'm pretty dominant myself. His home life is not the military.
I would wonder if he feels a sense of lack of control as a result though. I wonder if he has a hard time being away from you and being deployed often. The sense of closeness and commitment that comes with being close can wear down so easily. Especially over time. I wonder if you could try a different approach? Maybe lavish him with love and understanding while standing your ground. Its absolutely ridiculous that he thinks he can just take sex from someone, that would be rape, but whatever; maybe instead of saying so you could tell him firmly that you will not accept his three day ultimatum, will not stop seeing this woman, will not go near the idea of. A threesome or any other sex that involves him and that you appreciate he is having a hard time and love him and miss him. Then add that when he is ready to talk about boundaries rather than rules you will be waiting and ready to negotiate with respect and understanding.
ya know its like you know him or something! LMAO!! He definitely has some control issues going on that are related to the military. part of the problem is that I did put up with his behavior for a long long time and once you allow it, its very hard to break that pattern. I was 21 and very naive when we married and then.... I grew up and decided to run my own life . I think you hit the nail on the head on all counts and my previous letter to him that I mentioned earlier was a variation of what you just wrote. I did add though that even though I was not willing to exploit her for his pleasure that I would be open to his experimenting with someone sexually as well as long as there are boundaries and rules for both of us. I told him that ultimatums and time limits are not productive to a loving relationship and this has to be an ongoing discussion to be useful. I pretty much told him, this is what I need to be ME and I am not willing to compromise who I am to stay with you.
To my utter surprise he sent me a long letter back and seems to be a bit more understanding although he is still having difficulty with my emotions for her and is worried that they may grow deeper and jeopardize our relationship. He feels like I splitting my love for him and giving half to her. I just wrote back and addressed all his concerns as best I could in a very open and supportive way. hopefully, we are getting somewhere. i am just glad he was willing to talk instead of continuing to sling out rules and demands.