Originally Posted by AnnabelMore
"He says that he must get something out of my bisexuality or I cannot explore it."
This is the thing in your post that made me saddest. It's not that he somehow thinks that both of you being involved with a woman together will make it less of a "threat" to your relationship, as many people in his position seem to at first... at least that would be about what's best for both of you... it sounds like it's just about HIS pleasure and fulfillment being paramount and your own wants/needs/development not being valid in and of themselves. Ugh ugh ugh.
This is not a person who is demonstrating any respect or compression that I can see.
"He says "would you really jeopardize out 13 year marriage for her?" and I am like no but I will for ME."
This made me very hopeful for you. This is exactly the right attitude, and it's so sad that he doesn't get why you would want to stand up for your right to have authentic interactions with others on your own terms, in a way that feels right to you.
I think that putting a pause on things with her while you sort this out with him is the right way to go. It sounds like she's a good friend who's willing to give you the time and space you need, and this way you don't drag her into any drama.
My bf actually went through a 10-second phase of something a little like this. I was already dating my gf when he and I started negotiating what a relationship between he and I could look like. Poly was a foreign concept to him. At one point he said "Well, it has to be ok for me to sleep with Gia [my gf] too." My jaw dropped. When I managed to pick it up off the floor, I said "Dude! You don't even *know* her! Of course it's ok for you to have sex or a relationship with another person as long as you're communicating with me about it but please don't assume that you have ANY rights to this particular woman or that there is any reason whatsoever to expect that she should or will want you." He got what I was saying immediately and felt a little embarrassed.
You and he may be able to find some useful resources at www.morethantwo.com
, it's a great beginner's primer. But honestly, I don't know that I could/would stay with someone who's acting the way he's acting... he's got some serious work to do on his capacity for empathy!
Yeah that made me the saddest too because in that instant i felt like his chosen mindset will just not allow for him to realize what I need at all. Its always gonna be about his needs and wants.
I wrote him a very long letter a few minutes ago and sent it to him via email. I think writing things down and not worrying about him blowing up in anger right in front of me works well for our communication right now. Otherwise, i feel like his anger detract from my ability to be honest with him and i think that is important. for a very long time I didn't let my wants be known because he didn't react well to them but I am at a point that I cannot compromise who i am anymore.
In the letter I talked about how he seems to feel that anything other than total monogamy of the heart is a betrayal and that I don't feel that way. there are a lot of people I love and who love me and I don't think any of that detracts from what I feel for him. To be honest he cant seem to get past the fact that he isn't going to get laid if i am. I told him that it isn't only about sex and that we are keeping score here. Its about my need to use the one life that I have to know myself and to know other people and I dont think loving two people is bad.
Thank you guys and girls so much for your responses, I really appreciate the support and the viewpoints on this. I was starting to think I was the crazy one for thinking the way I do and its nice to see that other people have the same ideas. i jsut hope I can convey then to him in a way that is clear and I dont want to hurt him by it.