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Old 05-28-2012, 03:13 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

"He says that he must get something out of my bisexuality or I cannot explore it."

This is the thing in your post that made me saddest. It's not that he somehow thinks that both of you being involved with a woman together will make it less of a "threat" to your relationship, as many people in his position seem to at first... at least that would be about what's best for both of you... it sounds like it's just about HIS pleasure and fulfillment being paramount and your own wants/needs/development not being valid in and of themselves. Ugh ugh ugh.

This is not a person who is demonstrating any respect or compression that I can see.

"He says "would you really jeopardize out 13 year marriage for her?" and I am like no but I will for ME."

This made me very hopeful for you. This is exactly the right attitude, and it's so sad that he doesn't get why you would want to stand up for your right to have authentic interactions with others on your own terms, in a way that feels right to you.

I think that putting a pause on things with her while you sort this out with him is the right way to go. It sounds like she's a good friend who's willing to give you the time and space you need, and this way you don't drag her into any drama.

My bf actually went through a 10-second phase of something a little like this. I was already dating my gf when he and I started negotiating what a relationship between he and I could look like. Poly was a foreign concept to him. At one point he said "Well, it has to be ok for me to sleep with Gia [my gf] too." My jaw dropped. When I managed to pick it up off the floor, I said "Dude! You don't even *know* her! Of course it's ok for you to have sex or a relationship with another person as long as you're communicating with me about it but please don't assume that you have ANY rights to this particular woman or that there is any reason whatsoever to expect that she should or will want you." He got what I was saying immediately and felt a little embarrassed.

You and he may be able to find some useful resources at, it's a great beginner's primer. But honestly, I don't know that I could/would stay with someone who's acting the way he's acting... he's got some serious work to do on his capacity for empathy!

Good luck!!!
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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